Several people questioned the reasoning behind my not mentioning the worldwide “virus” by name in the past two articles. Simple explanation: I’ve no wish to advertise or acknowledge its existence by name and give it more presence and power than it already has. Besides, everyone is sick to death of hearing about the damned thing.
Every form of media outlet contains current constantly continuing content coverage!!! Yes, we need to be informed, but for gawd’s sake an occasional uninformative break wouldn’t hurt. So let’s take a break! Next week we’ll have fun with some quarantined adventures but for now let’s pass the time and lighten the mood with some jokes, quips, clever thoughts and random bits of humor.
Before we begin, it is my responsibility to inform you of an incident that happened this week, perhaps a foreshadowing of things to come. Last week a man dressed in full ninja-yoroi (ninja suit) walked into a local grocery (name of store withheld by request). He stood unmoving near the check-out lanes, staring unnervingly at customers.
A brave bag boy approached the man, intending to ask him if there was a problem. Without warning the “ninja” executed a roundhouse kick to the left side of the employee’s chest, where his name-badge was pinned, knocking him to the ground. A male cashier rushed forward to intervene and received the same roundhouse kick in the name badge.
At this point the “ninja” grabbed up a voluptuously petite, female cashier, tossed her over his shoulder and rushed for the door. The manager got in front of him and asked, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” To this the ninja replied- “I’m kickin’ names and taking a**!” ☺…And here we go… (Laughter cue ☺)
Ask a grown-up family member or friend if they still have their kidneys. When they reply “Yes!” you say, “Oh, you haven’t gotten your “adult knees” yet?” ☺ So an African American, European, American and a Hispanic walk into a bar. The white guy says, “Fellas, I feel a joke coming on.” ☺
Guy walks into a bar…breaks his nose…realizes he’s already too drunk to find the doorway in. ☺ You take a bath in the bathroom. Go to bed in the bedroom. Live in the living room (is there a separate room for dying?). Dine in the dining room. And… kitchen, err, cooking room??? ☺
Why can we call a washing machine a washer but never refer to the dryer as the drying machine? ☺ Washer, drying machine, refrigerator, freezer, stove, and dishwasher are all major appliances. So does that make the blender, coffee maker, toaster and microwave minor appliances? ☺
Read quickly, answer aloud or question a friend: Typically how many legs does a table have? How many legs does a chair have? How many legs does a dog have? What do you eat soup with? ☺
True story: When the driving instructor told me to “depress the brake” I looked at the floorboard and said, “You’re ugly and nobody likes you!” He was not amused. ☺
My wife called me immature. I told her to get out of my fort! ☺ My wife said we were going to look at a Shitzu. When we got there I was disappointed to see just a little dog…I asked where the cages with poops inside were. ☺ You can’t teach an old dog new tricks because the old ones are wise to your trickery! ☺ Would a boxcar full of shoes be part of a sole train? ☺ (That was awful!)
So a Whoopee cushion is a rubber bag that makes a farting sound when squished. People used to refer to sex as “making whoopee.” Yeah now we’re all confused. ☺
Why is a screaming rubber chicken funny? It can’t cross the road. ☺ We play basketball, baseball, soccer, football, tennis and golf…but we go bowling. ☺
There’s a new restaurant named Karma! No menus — you just get what you deserve. ☺ If the Hokey Pokey isn’t what it’s all about — turn yourself around.☺ When life gives you melons…you’re dyslexic. ☺
Well if this didn’t make you laugh, maybe it made you smile. If it didn’t make you smile, then at least it took your mind off things. If it didn’t take your mind off things…you weren’t paying attention.
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me directly at [email protected].
Hope to hear from you, until then try and stay focused. See ya!