Soon All Hallows’ Eve will be upon us, loosening the bowels of Hell upon our world. The balance between good and evil shifting towards the darker side of the force — the dead given license to wander among the living. Restless spirits rising, roaming the darkened highways and hillsides. For many, this can mean only one thing… PARTY TIME!!!

Yes, for many folks Halloween is yet another excuse to drink to excess and pass it off as celebrating a holiday. That’s fine and dandy, have your fun, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just try and remember, in your self-centered little universe, that this holiday doesn’t belong solely to you. For adults, ways of celebrating Halloween vary widely, from watching scary movies, to partying hard, to ritualistic virgin sacrifices to Satan. But for children it means only one thing — Trick or Treating.

This week, to honor and acknowledge the true patriarchs of Halloween, I have asked John Q., my stuffed, yellow, bear sidekick, to compile a list of ideas for fun, productive and safe Halloweening. His response — 17 pages, in descriptive crayon, which have been abridged and translated below… because spell check can’t handle his toddler-based writing style.


1. Run! Run everywhere! The faster you go, the more treats you can trick and do more candy that way.

2. Squeal as loudly as possible a lot! If you squeal loudly enough people will think you are a small firetruck and get out of the way!

3. Each people in your tricktreating party should have a flashlight or glow stick. If you wave it over your head this will help with the firetruck trick. It is also helpful in blinding people who may try to steal your candy. Oh, and it helps car driver people to see you, too.

4. Make sure you have comfort shoes. The further you can travel with comforts the more candy you can do. Also too, the shoes that come with costumes are more for cute looking than safety — you could fall and spill your candy.

5. No masks! Especially ones that cover your whole head. You can’t see, you can’t breathe, and you can’t eat candy with a mask on!

6. Make sure you get the right sized costume. Tricktreat is only one night — you don’t need something you can “grow into”. If your outfit’s too small they might call you a “naughty whatever”. If it’s too big, you could trip, spill candies, look dumb.

7. Be sure your costume is potty accessible. Do not poop your suit! — it will end the tricktreating immediately.

8. About the running in #1, sigh… Mr. Chainsaw man says you shouldn’t any no do running cuz you might run in front of a car. No big squealing either, sigh… acuz it disruptives others’ fun times.

9. You should walk when you go out for treats cuz adults are slow and will get lost if you leave them behind.

10. Stay hydro-ed! Tricktreating is the hard work so bring fun drinks. This only applies to kids… no adult beverages.

11. Do not tricktreat strangers. Though they may have the best candy and may offer you a fun ride — don’t do it!

12. If you are being a ninja use a pretend sword that’s soft. Not only could you fall on it and get injuries but also too people might think you are a real ninja and lock the door. If your sword were real you could chop up their door and take the candy but that’s not a very nice thing to do.

13. Tricktreat ends at 9pm. That is when big people Halloween begins and everything is dangerous because big people aren’t responsible quite a lot.

14. Let an adult person check your candy before you eat it. Some big people are meanies and make bad candy that will hurt you.

15. Be safe! Have the most fun! Eat lots of candy!

Thanks John, for that helpful insight into Halloween safety.

In all seriousness folks, please remember — this holiday, above all others, puts people of all ages out on the night roads. Drink responsibly, drive more responsibly, always alert for little ghosts, ghouls and goblins. No point in ending a happy child’s life and ruining your own.

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected].

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.