Just A Suggestion

It has been many a Friday the 13th full moon since this writer has breached the threshold of a place of worship for sanctuary, ceremony or salvation. Mostly for the sake of not wanting to become a part of the hypocrisy that is the borderless, modern version of religious belief. Refusing to support or play a part in faux spiritually cleansing rituals such as the backsliding blasphemy of baptism or communion without consequence or conviction. Questioning the logic of meeting in an extravagant man made structure, to worship a god who you believe created nature, and dressing up for said god who designed you to be naked. Are nudist colonies closer to god?

This is not to cast doubt upon or belittle anyone’s beliefs or faith. Everyone has every right to have faith in believing whatever you want to believe. Which means I don’t have to believe that you truly believe in what you’re believing.

OK. we’re getting way off subject and possibly starting a fight no one can win. The point is I don’t go to church much for traditional reasons. However, a while back, I found myself in a house of god on the regular…well the foyer anyway. The reason for my visits is irrelevant, a story for another day. Until that day you’ll just have to settle for my adventure in the foyer, (lamest action movie title ever).

When one finds oneself in a room for an extended period of time, without cell service, said room and all its facets will be explored for boredom’s sake. Such was the fate of the foyer, though it didn’t have much to offer in the way of exploratory entertainment. Two well-worn chairs… sat on. Guest registry perched on a little oak podium… flipped through. Bulletin board with upcoming church events… read every one. Then there was the box. A tastefully simple wood design, with an open slot, holders for note cards and small pencils on top, with the word “SUGGESTIONS” burned into its front. A suggestion box??? In god’s house??? Peering into the slot the bottom was vacant… wouldn’t be for long. To my credit, temptation was resisted till my 3rd visit.

Suggestion #1: Don’t be so mysterious in your ways. People are stupid in general. Be more obvious and they’ll understand what you’re trying to say.

Suggestion #2: Make people smarter (see Suggestion #1).

Suggestion #3: Make nicer animals. The ones you have are OK, but the raccoons won’t let me pet them.

Suggestion #4: Please ask the squirrels to stay out of my mom’s bird feeder.

Suggestion #5: Stop animal cruelty. Maybe give the animals special attacks like Pokémon.

Suggestion #6: Do something wrathful about pedophiles. You can find the sex offender registry online.

Suggestion #7: I noticed the pedophiles are still un-wrathed—get a better internet provider!

Suggestion #8: Write another book, maybe a sequel or modern retake.

Suggestion #9: Pick one religion and let everyone know it’s the right one.

Suggestion #10: If a baptism doesn’t work for a sinner a near-drowning may get their attention.

Suggestion #11: Pop up and surprise people who don’t close their eyes when they pray.

Suggestion #12: Punishing sinners on the spot would be more effective and set an example for potential sinners.

Suggestion #13: Please be more descriptive about the sin rules i.e., should thou always not kill? Do bugs count?

Suggestion #14: Stop making bugs!

Suggestion #15: Cure cancer. I know you can do it!

Suggestion #16: Get rid of bears… nobody likes them.

Suggestion #17: Maybe just make them smaller and more manageable (see Suggestion #16).

Suggestion #18: Preform more miracles… you can start by making me quit smoking.

Suggestion #19: Take credit for your miracles so people can recognize your work.

After two weeks of my suggestions I noticed the box had been emptied and a note had been posted above it reading, “The suggestion box is for the use of church members only to make suggestions about the church itself and services it provides. If you need to speak to GOD try prayer!”

Suggestion #20: Using visions or a spiritual encounter would be a lot more god-like than a message printed on paper. Excluding people because of exclusive membership doesn’t seem very god like either. Maybe you should be more accepting and loving… it’s just a suggestion after all.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me directly at [email protected]. Hope to hear from you, until then try and stay focused. See ya!