ChainsawWith that title some are preparing to take notes on the “how to” portion of this article! Others are preparing to compile their letters to the editor. FOCUS’s lovely and talented editorial staff is reading with bitten lips and bated breath. All eager to see how this paper’s lunatic in residence will condone murder. No worries though- it’s not what you think….it never is.

“A reckless discharge of a gun, that’s what the officers are claimin’! Bubba hollered out. “Reckless hell, I hit just where I was aimin!” Bubba shot the jukebox last night. Said it played a sad song, it made him cry. Went to his truck and got a 45. Well he shot the jukebox! Stopped it with one shot! Bubba shot the jukebox last night. Well he could not tell right from wrong through the teardrops in his eyes. Beyond a shadow of a doubt it was a justifiable homici…i…ide!” Lyrics excerpted from: Bubba Shot the Jukebox, sung by Mark Chesnutt, circa 1992.

The protagonist in this little ditty is a generic rendering of a “bubba” which in this case implies a less intellectually-centered, stereotypical redneck / good ol’ boy. His antagonist is a Wurlitzer jukebox set in the fictional locale of Maggie’s Bar. A fellow patron plays a song on said jukebox that brings Bubba to literal tears. In response Bubba leaves the bar, retrieves his .45 caliber pistol from his pick-up truck, returns and promptly shots the jukebox. His “one shot” strikes the juke’s inner workings causing the machine to completely shut down.

Why not just wait the song out in the parking lot Bubba? Sit in your truck, cry it out, regain your composure and go back in. Or go home if it bothered you that bad; well that wouldn’t have made much of a ballad. But it’s not like the jukebox chose the song that brought you sorrow… why not go after whoever played the song ­— because that would have made for a very different, much darker ballad.

Was Bubba’s act of violence a result of anger at his own emotional instability? Or was it embarrassment because he couldn’t keep his s*** together in front of his peers? Either way, the juke was just minding its business, serving its function, doing its one job. If you don’t like the way someone’s doing their job, you lodge a complaint to management. You don’t start murdering employees!

Justifiable Homicide

Whilst walking through the living room, in your house, in the dark (we’ll give you the benefit of the dark) have you ever whacked your shin into the coffee table? Let out a flurry of indiscernible cursing? Followed by kicking said table of caffeinated beverages and jamming your bare-footed toes? Oh…is it on now? You grab up the table, hitting yourself in the nose with one of its legs and hurl it across the room into the wall.

Your shins bruised, two toes are broken, and your nose is bleeding. You’ll have to patch that wall and buy a new coffee table. But you sure showed it, didn’t you? Showed it what exactly? That in a fit of rage, in a fight you started (you struck the first blow) and regardless of resulting self-inflicted injuries, you will resort to maximum levels of violence and… murder?

Now this example of “justifiable homicide” against inanimate objects may seem exaggerated and extreme. But honestly how many times have you found yourself in a similar situation? Losing your temper, taking out your anger and oft destroying something that cannot fight back? All because you weren’t paying attention or lacked the intelligence to get it to function properly?

Much could be said of the human condition on this subject. We could easily correlate between how we treat inanimate objects and how we treat our fellow folks. But we’re not going to because humans are not the victims here! Instead we follow with this unpaid advertisement:

Are you an inanimate object? Have you been the VICTIM of unprovoked AGGRESSION or unjustifiable HOMICIDE? If so contact the law offices of Chainsaw, Chainsaw and more Chainsaws at 555-OU812! Stop the abuse!!! We will represent you in your fight against human oppression and unprovoked acts of people violence.

Sound insane? Well, we’re not the ones beating up on the defenseless living room furniture when we’re upset, now are we?

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.