OK – pretend I’m writing an article- pretend-pretend-pretend. And…done! Oops almost forget to pretend to take a picture… there, also done. Pretending to submit it to FOCUS’ lovely and talented editorial staff (skills you can’t pretend, BTW). Hopefully they’ll pretend to put it into print and we’ll pretend it got published; which it obviously did or you couldn’t be pretending to look at it right now.

Now pretend that you are pretending to read the article I pretended to write. Go on, I’ll pretend to wait. Just start at the beginning and when you get to the end pretend to stop.

Hey, what the devil do you think you’re pretending to do? Why are you not pretending to read this? Nobody told you to actually read this you are supposed to be pretending to read this! Gawd how hard is this to com-pretend? (<= Pretend this line was really clever). What a moron! What a pret-imbecile! (<= Pretend this was yet another really clever line.) What’s that? Really now??? Well I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that. Do you pretend to kiss your momma with that filthy mouth? Or do you just pretend to kiss your momma? (I sincerely pretend to apologize for those of you whose mothers are merely a figmentation of their imagination. A mother’s love shouldn’t be pretended.) Oh never-mind, there’s no use pretending, we’ll just have to pretend that you pretended to read this.

Well since it seems you are refusing to pretend, or are you pretending to refuse? Hmmm… I’ll pretend not to be confused by whatever it is your pretending to do right now and we’ll just pretend to carry on like you did or are or whatever.
Now pretend it’s a good article… no, pretend it’s a GREAT article. So great as a matter of fact that you pretend to make an approving pretend nodding gesture with your head (use your actual head not your pretend one). Keep pretending to read, pretend like this is getting really interesting. Pretend to be completely engrossed in the pretending and we’ll pretend to keep going.

Pretend you just read a funny part and pretend to laugh. Pretend to admire my literary comedic wit and I’ll pretend to be funny. Oh wait, what’s this?—pretend there was a pretend twist to the pretended humor. Pretend to sigh as you pretend to be touched by the pretended touching moment. Stop pretending to touch yourself! Oh wait… you aren’t pretending…we’ll pretend like we didn’t see that.

Alright, now let’s pretend there are several good points made: pretend to be enlightened. More pretend—uh huh nodding should be pretended here. Wow, pretend this article is pretending to get rather deep. Pretend it is pretendingly insightful and full of thought provoking pretending. Pretend to finish up the article you were pretending to read with satisfaction and enjoyment. That last part can be sincere, pretended or hell, just fake it and pretend – no one will ever know or even pretend to care.

Let’s pretend to wrap this up with an amazing conclusion. Pretend to be amazed at this wonderful article you didn’t actually read (we were just pretending the whole time after all). Pretend to share it with all your friends. If all your friends are pretend that’ll make this so much easier to pretend to share. Now pretend to be so inspired that you pretend to write an e-mail to the FOCUS editors pretending to tell them what an awesome writer that Chainsaw guy pretends to be. Pretend to send a second e-mail to [email protected] and pretend to tell this writer personally how much you pretended to enjoy this article he pretended to write. I’m certain he will immediately pretend to respond. Next week: We’ll pretend this never happened.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at [email protected] or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!