Have Chainsaw Will TravelThee Secretary (HCSAWWT’s secretary in residence) crossed the room, looking cross, and crossing arms. “Mr. Chainsaw sir, though I respect your opinion, this is not up for debate! The Christian celebratory calendar clearly exemplifies that the Immaculate Conception reached its apex on December 25th!”

“And I’m telling you Thee that it was sometime in late September!” I retort.

We pause when John Q. (my stuffed, yellow bear side-kick) enters the room brandishing a cocoa mug. “Hey John,” I call out, “when were things away in a manger?”

“Yes, Mr. Q,” Thee counters, “what is your assessment of the silent night in question?”

John Q. looks from Thee to me, sips his cocoa, sets it aside, clears his throat and addresses the room:

A wong, wong times ago… in a Galilee fawr, fawr away (starburst pew noises) thewre was a vewy nice giwrl named Virgin Mary. One day an angle came to visit hewr and said, “Hewo Virgin Mary my name is awchangle Gabwiel and I am hewre to tell you you’wre going to have a special baby-pewson named Jesus.” Virgin Mary was upset cause she hadn’t done anynothing with her bo’fwiend Joseph. But the angle telled her it was okie-dokie and that the baby-pewson would be dewivered straight outta heaven and be all holy. So Virgin Mary was okay wif that.

But her bo’fwiend Joe had the freak-outs when he heawd that she was pwegnant. He didn’t want to put anyno shame on Mary. So another angle had to dweam-visit him saying, “Joe, don’t be anyno scawed to marry Mary, fowre she is having the Holy Spirit baby and it will be a boy and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save everybody of the bad stuff.” And Joe was good wif that.

Suddenly, Joe and Virgin Mary had to take a trip to O’ Little Town of Bethlehem. But there wasn’t anyno room in the inn!!! So they stayed in a bawrn thingie wif happy animals. And that’s wherwe baby Jesus was borwn and they putted him in a trough wif wadded up clothes. He didn’t anyno cry, so it was a silent night. Then the angles put a big star up to advewtise his awival and went to wound up guests fowre the baby-shower.

First an angle accidentally scawed the cwap out of some shephewd guys, but told them, “Feaw not, for behold, I bwing you Tide and gweat Joy, so wash up and visit that bawrn over thewre. For unto you is born this day a Savior, who is Cwist the Lord. And you will find that baby wapped in wadded up clothes and wying in a manger.”Oh Come All Ye Stuffies...

So they came and bwought warm wool bwankets for Virgin Mary and the Jesus. Later some wise guys just kinda showed up (I don’t anyno think they had invitations) but they bwought baby gifts of gold, Frankenstein and… something else.

And lo’ the angle of the lord found me… just kinda wanderin around, and said, “John Q. vewily I say unto the. Thewre is a tiny baby-person in that bawrn thingie over thewre that has nary a stuffie nor snuggle buddy to be found and that just will not do. Go fowth, find and give peace and comfowt for he is Cwist the Lord.” A baby-person wifout snuggles? I’m on it Mistwer Lord Angle! Bobbidy-bobbidy-bobbidy (stuffed rapid running sounds).

And so it came to the pass on that bwessed night, in the city of the David. While the big peoples sharwed reverent pwaise and joy, B.J. an me snuggled in da manger while the gwory of the lord shown wound.

He finished his tale to stunned, jaw-dropped silence. Which was finally broken when Thee queried- “Mister Q…. you were actually there? You meet the actual Jesus Christ… in Bethlehem and… snuggled with him on the night of his birth?” John sipped his cocoa, smiled and nodded, “Yes, somebody had to. We all have a puwpose Thee… we just have to wisten and be willing and weady.”

Thee falls into a silent, self-accessing reverie.

“So John,” I ask, “since you were there… the question at hand… what time of year was this?” John looks to me with wisdom beyond his years. “Does it weally matter as long as you know and believe it?”

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected].

Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.