“Will there be another race to come along and take over for us? Maybe Martians could do better than we’ve done… We’ll make great pets; you’ll make great pets! My friend says we’re like the dinosaurs. Only we are doing ourselves in, much faster than they ever did… We’ll make great pets, we’ll make great pets, we’ll make great pets!” Condensed lyrics excerpted from the song “Pets” by alternative rock band Porno for Pyros circa 1993.
Side note: Humorous but not- This writer was quite young when the term “pedophile” came into mainstream use. At the time my innocent ears misheard and misunderstood and thought it was “pet”-ophile. Thus, many were confused when they’d say- “I hate pedophiles!” and my response would be- “Yeah, I can’t stand people that abuse animals.”
We now return you to your regular scheduled column- already in progress at this time.
When the song Pets first debuted in the early 90’s a close (now former) friend became fascinated with the concept it presented. That being that at some time, in the not-too-distant future, due to high evolution or alien invasion, the human race as a whole would be reduced to pet status. This led to many intensely serious discussions on the subject.
To clarify- this does not entail human enslavement to alien invaders. With hopes of humankind’s rise and rebellion against an equal foe as portrayed in many an all too familiar extraterrestrial encounter film scenario. But rather an invading force so superior as to view us the equivalent of the common house cat.
Ergo sealing our fate. With continued existence and interaction to be decided upon by the tolerance and size of our new owners/masters. Size? Yes, size does matter, in comparison to our race’s conquerors. As it will determine what type of pets we shall be.
For example: what if our E.T.s were diminutive? And in relation we were common livestock size- like horses and cattle. Would they rope us, break us, brand us… ride us? Would we be galloping around on all fours or crawling on hands and knees? Or would they prefer piggyback like an Empire Strikes Back Taun Taun (you know those big kangaroo things with horns)?
What if we were sorted due to race, size or body hair and some of us deemed edible? Would they herd us? Milk females? Could you imagine spending your nights in a barn and days out to pasture? Look, all the people are all lying down… that means it’s gonna rain!
Let’s downsize ourselves further to dog and cat size. Would some of us be considered “outside” pets? Confined to a people-house out back and chained in the yard so we don’t wander off. Our entire existence and lifespan are confined to a fenced-in backyard.
Will they paper train those of us considered indoor people and rub our noses in it when we go on the rug? Will litter boxes be a luxurious toiletry option? Or will we be taken for walks on leashes and poop in the neighbor’s driveway?
Will they complain about the price of Purina People Chow? Forget to feed and water us sometimes? Will we be expected to do tricks for pizza crust and fussed at for drinking from the toilet?
How would it be to live in an aquarium in an alien teenagers’ room? Cause now we’re hamster sized, and our world is clearly defined by four glass walls. Hmmm… what to do? Hide in the shavings? Run on the wheel? Paw at the walls? Basically, killing time till they dump in a handful of compressed people pellets – fine dining.
Did we forget to mention that in all these scenarios we’re naked? Pets don’t wear clothes on the regular. Unless it’s a Facebook photo-op holiday costume or a little plaid jacket if it’s cold out.
Now let’s take it down to a potentially possible terrifying reality. An ant sized reality. What if we are already pets and our entire universe is the equivalent of nothing more than an alien child’s ant-farm?
Let’s not dwell on that too much. Instead let’s focus on being great pets. Maybe we won’t be forced to fight each other. Maybe we won’t be abandoned by the roadside. Maybe there won’t be a need for humane society commercials. Maybe there won’t be any “pet”-ophiles.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via Focus, or E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
