CLANG-A-LANG-A-LANG! CLANG-A-LANG-A-LANG! Prompted by the Milliways barkeep, the last call bell above the bar rings out across the crowded room. Drawing the audible attention of every drunken ear and glance of each blood-shot bleary eye. “Closing time!” the bartender bellows in a very soothing and yet persistent baritone. “Last call for alcohol! Finish your liquor, finish your beer! You don’t have to go home…” “But you can’t stay here!”- the room concludes in united revelry with raised glasses and good humor.
Last call? So soon? Barkeep… another Sivolvian chinanto/mnigs for my stuffed yellow bear compadre (John Que) and a Gagrakackan “tzjin-anthony-ks” for myself and my guest (that’s you, dear reader). A toast of salutations and a wishing of Happy New Year… scratch that… Happy Next Year! No wait, that’s not right. It’s already next year. So “Happy Next Year” would mean Happy 2025, right? Happy Another Year? Hell, they’re really all the same.
Anyway Happy… Year. No, we are not celebrating the insignificant mediocre ritual of throwing away and replacing a calendar, but rather acknowledging the tradition. And what better place to acknowledge than the five-star Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Maybe catch the Gnab Gib in the process.
We’ve got a few minutes here before the ugly lights reveal reality. Time for another drink and some conversing. So, are you planning to resolve anything this year?
Ya know it just occurred to me that each “Next” year we talk about resolutions we should make. Make them, break them, forget them. There’s never any kind of follow-up for the previous year’s resolves. No looking back to see if anything has been resolved in the past 365 days.
Well, there’s no time like the present. And it just so happens I have my list of last year’s resolutions with me. No, I didn’t bring it on purpose… it was still in the pocket… from last year. (Should probably resolve to wash these pants). So, let’s see what was resolved and if it was.
Okay Chainsaw’s Resolutions 2023: Number 1 – QUIT SMOKING!!!… yeah, all caps. That didn’t happen. This is actually the 10th (perhaps 20th) anniversary of that annual resolution. Sigh, this isn’t off to a good start.
The smoking isn’t the problem, it’s the QUIT part- nobody wants to be a quitter! Can’t stop smoking… that would require blowing up factories and battling wildfires. Maybe smoke less? That seems like a realistically reasonable place to start.
Number Two – Eat better. Now what in hell do you suppose that was supposed to mean? Eat better food or eat food that’s better for me? Well, either way, I’m eating about the same stuff, so we’ll call it a draw.
Numero Tres’ – Get more exercise- set a weekly workout regimen. You see there’s this thing called time and it comes in small commodities. So, a regular workout didn’t work out. I’ll at least try to move around more in an exercising way this year.
The 4th of numbers – Stop drinking! WTF? I can’t do that. I’d die of dehydration!
The Quint – Make more money and spend less money. Well, the government shut down my printing press and there’s still all these 20’s lying around. So those two are a bust.
Aww Hex – Stop planning everything. Despite my seemingly carefree existence, I’m a bit of an over pre-plan everything kinda guy. Those small commodities of time are to blame. So much to do and all that jazz. But maybe every moment needn’t be preordained. I’ll plan to do better with that.
Lucky 7 – Stop being so condescending of ignorance. Well, that’ll stop when people stop being so damned stupid! Sigh, but I digress. Despite our society cartwheeling towards total idiocracy I guess I could be a little more understanding towards dumb.
Crazy 8 – Don’t get abducted by aliens. Well current location considered that’s a possible fail.
Speaking of which looks like they’re getting ready to close up here.
Barkeep- “Get the f*** out! Garments left behind will be donated to the local thrift and forgotten phones will be used to ruin your social media status and online reputation.”
Time to hitchhike my way back home… maybe I can catch a lift from that mawg in the Winnebago. And resolve to see ya this year! I welcome almost all questions, comments via through the Focus, or E-mail me at –[email protected]. Hope to here from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.
