Chainsaw“Because when you’re cool, the sun shines on you 24 hours a day!” — (Fisher Stevens as Vince Latello, from the film My Science Project, circa 1985.

So… have we just inadvertently stumbled into FOCUS’s 4th of July edition? Well this is awkward. With off-holiday publication dates causing potentially delayed reading times, it’s hard to keep up. Additionally, I’m pretty sure I’ve got a wedding anniversary that will fall within this edition’s weekly formatted spectrum as well. So we’ll throw in some stuff about fireworks and close with sweet sentiments to be on the safe side.

“Is it hot enough for ya?” someone inquires; and the need to slap the stupid off their sweaty face is overpowering. Oh no. I was actually just thinking of setting a bonfire alight, wrapping myself in blankets, scooting in real close, whilst sipping on some hot cocoa. When I pass out from heat stroke or dehydration, then and only then would it be hot enough.

“It’s so hot out here!” someone else repetitiously implies. Well no s*** Dick Tracy. Whatever gave you that impression? We’re all choreographically sweating here, so it’s safe to assume we’re aware of the obvious. Constantly stating said obvious only makes matters worse. So what can we do to make them better? Lucky for you there are…

Chainsaw’s Helpful Summertime Tips on Not getting so hot it makes you want to vomit!

1: Avoid barbequing! Yes, it’s a traditional summer thing. But it’s already hot and you’re building a fire? Personally, I believe grilling-out should be reserved for fall and winter months. There are fewer bugs in beverages then, too.Stay Cool...Literally

2: If you barbeque — don’t throw fireworks in the grill. It’s too hot to run around screaming in pain. And there’s no need to explain to the folks in ER the need to remove a wiener from somebody’s eye socket.

3: Cook less indoors. A stove-top puts off a lot of heat, which just counters that air-conditioning you’re paying for. Microwave meals and the occasional cold sandwich never killed anybody… well there was that one guy…

4: Eat less or have several smaller meals, especially if you plan on being out-of-doors. This will help prevent that throwing-up thing. If you’re too hot to eat, then don’t.

5: Seek out mass H2O. Whether it’s a lake, pool or 50 gallon garbage can filled to the brim. Any body of water can provide some relief. Do not pee in the can.

6: Stay hydrated. Consume plenty of liquids to keep your body replenished. Do not drink from the can.

7: Drinking beer or other alcoholic beverages will not keep you replenished. It will have the opposite effect. So get cooled off first and then drink indoors. There’s softer stuff to fall on inside if you replenish yourself too much.

8: Limit your running. Avoid going out in the heat by avoiding repetitive trips. With current gas prices, you can’t afford to anyway.

9: Limit outdoor time and try to stay in the shade. Carry an umbrella for portable shade.

10: Cut back or quit smoking. It’s already hot and stoking a tiny fire near your face isn’t helping.

11: Being naked outside does not help in avoiding the heat. However, depending on who all’s naked can make it a lot more bearable and fun.

12: Being naked inside can be beneficial to cooling down. But once again, depending on who else is naked things can get real hot real quick. So maybe that’s not a good plan…then again it might be a great plan.

13: Keep your AC set at a constant temperature (it saves money) and if you have window units be sure to have some fans to help circulate the cooler air throughout the house so everyone’s comfy.

14: If you’re naked indoors… stay away from the fans! Trust me on this one.

So enjoy the summer. And try to stay as cool as possible. Even if you’re a dork and no one thinks you’re cool.

On a personal note, to my one and only, only one <3: My sweetest Lil Red you are just as lovely and loved on day 4,383 as you were on day one. Thank you for putting up with everything I bring to the table and bringing the most wonderful things in return.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via through FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected].

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.