“Darkness falls across the land; the midnight hour is close at hand. Creatures crawl in search of blood; to terrorize y’alls’ neighborhood. And whosoever shall be found, without the soul for getting down. Must stand and face the hounds of hell and rot inside a corpse’s shell. The foulest stench is in the air; the funk of forty thousand years. And grisly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom. And though you fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver. For no mere mortal can resist the evil of The Thriller!”- ~ Lyrics from Michael Jackson’s Thriller, circa 1982; rapped by the original master of terror, Vincent Price (1911-1993).

And thus, without further ado — welcome to Hell-o-ween.

We have an annual tradition here at Have Chainsaw Will Travel. Throughout the entirety of the month of October we’ll be sharing tales of fear, fright, terror and sorta scary stuff. All leading up to that most horrific of holidays — All Hallows Eve.

Wait, hold the phone (does that even make sense anymore?) stop the presses. Throughout the month of October? According to this paper’s publication date it’s still September. Aren’t you jumping the gun by a week Mr. Chainsaw?

Seriously? Have you looked around? Halloween décor started popping up in stores around the end of August. We’re not even through September and most of it has already been demoted to the clearance racks. Making way for all the commercialized Christmas crap. If we don’t hurry, Halloween will be over before it’s begun and there will be no Nightmare Before Christmas!!!

Is it just me or does anyone else find the rush towards the holiday rush a little unnerving? The decking of halls and yuletide cheer rammed down your throat, pushing ever forward, a little earlier each year. Of course, if you don’t find the potential thought of year-round X-mas kinda frightening, for the sake of Halloween let’s look at a few things that you might. Things like…

Bears! Yeah, I know, I know — it’s always bears, and it always will be. Bears will kill you and eat you or kill you by eating you. So, f*** yeah, bears. Pokémon cards being worth more now than baseball cards ever were. Brown recluse spiders taking up fall residence in your coat sleeves “shudders” — seriously take out and shake out your winter wardrobe. Those little fuzzy black spiders that seem to be watching you. Toddlers that suddenly stop crying and look up at… nothing? Seeing what a toddler sees. The stark reality that we see boogey men everyday… they look like everyone else.

That the sex offenders list continues to grow. When the person in the bathroom stall next to you starts softly humming. Being stuck alone with a stranger. Realizing that you may be the stranger of the two of you.

Squirrels that seem to communicate with each other whilst looking at you. Going for your second cup of yogurt and seeing the pack’s 2-year-old expiration date. Kids don’t really play outside anymore… except in 15-minute bursts. People who can’t or don’t know how to control their kids in public.

Nobody wants to work anymore. The current generation’s delusional definition of “work”. Taking a day off work and no one notices.

Leggings and pajama pants have become the norm when going out. Fast food that comes a little too fast. Scattered Skittles in the woods. Rabid raccoons with a penchant for human flesh… holding an empty Skittles bag… bait?

Finding a dead body. Realizing the body’s not dead or human. Finding out we’re really not alone in the universe. Being chased by aliens… with rabies.

Waking up alone… on the planet. Waking up, not alone, on another planet. Things that go bump in the night. Things that bump you in the night. Just for a minute, let’s all do the bump.

Evolving from a collector to a hoarder. Being buried alive. Seeing your own face on a missing person’s poster. Nobody caring that you’re missing. Finding out you’re a clone. Realizing you’re not the only one.

Fighting with yourselves over who gets to wear the Care Bear pajama pants to work. See, it will always come back to bears.

Next week: A delightful tale of terror as Hell-o-ween begins right proper.

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.