chainsaw_header“Darkness falls across the land; the Hellidays are close at hand. Christmas crap is already in store; much earlier than years before. And whosoever shall be found without vaccine for what’s goin’ round. Must cover face and wear a mask when going ‘bout their daily tasks. The foulest stench is in the air; (you forgot to change your underwear). And what if you’re hit by a truck? So look both ways you stupid… person. And though you fight for “your rights” you’re against the government machine. You’re gonna lose, so why not choose to enjoy Chainsaw’s Hell-o-ween!” — Misquoted lyrics originally rapped by the original master of terror Vincent Price (1911-1993) excerpt from Michael Jackson’s (R.I.P. 1958-2009) Thriller (circa 1982).

Fall has tripped and fallen along with the temperature. The days are getting shorter so the nights are getting longer (admittedly, that was an obvious and stupid thing to say). The final reaping and harvest are underway thus All Hallows Eve will soon be all over us.

Here at Have Chainsaw Will Travel we always usher it in fright proper; with a month’s worth of horrifically hellish tales. All devilishly dedicated to the darkest of holidays. And we call it Hell-o-ween…. for obvious, ominous reasons.

However one must question — with the current state of things do we really need anything else to be afraid of? Yes, yes you do; because if not then I’m s*** out of subject matter for an entire friggin’ month. That said, let us begin right proper, opening the gates of hell and unleashing an inferno of fear. For despite the horrors we’ve experienced and those yet to come, there are still many a thing that goes bump in the night. Still unseen terrors to chill the soul, still… things to fear such as…

BEARS! Bears will always and forevermore be at the top of the list. Why? Because bears will kill you and eat you — perhaps not in that order. Being eaten alive by anything. Soiling yourself to save your life. Soiling yourself in public. Public transportation. Private transportation. Uber drivers that take themselves too seriously. The fact that “uber” is a word. Wordplay that doesn’t play well with others. Others who won’t play with you.

Realizing you are not, never were and never will be one of the “cool kids”. The realization that being one of the “cool kids” ain’t so cool. Social segregation. Anti-social segregation. Going to a social gathering with anti-social people.

Getting a chipmunk in your pants leg. Spontaneous nudity. Confronting a naked person. Finding a confused naked person in your garage. Forgetting where you are. Forgetting who you are. Remembering both and not liking either. Forgetting an anniversary — realizing the other person didn’t forget and it meant a lot to them. Someone you care about crying — you’re the reason they’re crying. Uncontrollable non-stop hysterical crying. Dehydration.

Finding a large bug in the bottom of a glass you just emptied. Realizing the bug laid eggs in the beverage. Breaking a glass whilst barefooted. Stepping on broken glass in the dark. Not knowing which way to step to turn on the light and stop the screams of pain (think about that one).

A random scream from the woods. A random scream in your house… you live alone. Something going “bump” in the night. Something going “bump” in your bed… (LMAO not like that). Finding out you are the bump. Discovering a lump… discovering multiple moving lumps… finding baby peeps in your bed. Realizing you are half-chicken. Vegetarians that believe chicken doesn’t count. Your children being eaten by vegetarians. Cannibalism. Waking up in a pile of body parts. Realizing they’re not yours.

Accidentally killing someone. Drinking too much. Breaking a commandment and being punished for it on the spot. Realizing there is no god. Realizing there is a God — he just doesn’t like you very much. Excommunication. Poor communication. Going deaf or mute. Losing your senses. Finding out you have no common sense. Senseless violence. Sensibly violent people. People in general.

Well, as you can see there are still a lot of things to be afraid of out there. And this is just the tip of the terror iceberg. Tune in next week as Hell-o-ween continues same FOCUS-time, same Chainsaw channel.

I welcome almost all questions, comments FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.