“Usually what a person fears most is the thing they needlessly claim to not be afraid of.”

Desolation, darkness, being lost, feeling alone, a bump in the night, a shadow in a doorway, a face in the window, the unknown, the known, infinity, beyond living or the dead — what are you afraid of? Whether you like to, or are willing to, admit it or not, at some point or another, in some form or another, everyone knows fear.

Fear is one of our most basic emotions and an absolute necessity for surviving the game of life — Be a winner — be afraid! Fear is normal and natural; it keeps us safe and warns us of danger. Fear is also the most terrifying among our plethora of human emotions… well duh, it’s fear which implies terror. But no, fear is terrifying because it is completely beyond our control — you never hear of anyone having irrational joy do ya? We have no power over when we will become afraid and quite often have no idea what we’re really afraid of or why. The great unknown! Yes fear can be scary… that sounds so stupid; but for the same reasons fear can be fun too.

Hell yes- it’s fun to be afraid, to have something take away your security for just a moment and make your heart jump into your throat. And here we are on the threshold of the season in which embracing all that horrifies our souls is encouraged. In honor of this horrific helliday for the next five weeks we will showcase and share tales to delight your inner fear. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to Have Chainsaw Will Travel’s month of Hell-o-ween!

So let us cut through the commercialization of All Hallows Eve. Toss all those fetish-wear “sexy” whatever outfits in the shredder — scary not sensual. Sober up enough to run. Take down that G-rating and jack it up to R… or at least a heavy PG-13. Now let’s search for real fear and set the mood by considering some things that are scary year round. Things like…

BEARS! They’re everywhere and can come out of nowhere. They can kill you then eat you or kill you by eating you. When it comes to fear, bears will forever and always top this list. An open water-bottle in a 24-pack. Water-pollution. Air-pollution. Limited resources. Overpopulation. Small children that silently stare at you in the grocery store. Child abduction… being abducted by a gang of small, staring children. Alien abduction. Illegal alien abduction. Realizing after an explosive situation the TP roll is empty. Running out of paper towels unexpectedly. Trying to flush tube socks. Forest fires. Accidentally starting a forest fire. Smokey coming to your house and doing bear stuff to you because you could have prevented it.

Unfamiliar shadows in your yard at night. Unexpected guests. Uninvited guests. Unknown guests. Strangers in your house. A house full of strangers. Full House. The House of Mouse. Disney owning everything. Disney’s DEADPOOL. A dead thing in your pool. The thing, that killed said thing, still being there… probably a bear. Deer figuring out they outnumber and can kill us. Being accidentally shot while hiking. Finding out it wasn’t an accident. Cannibalism. Eating at a new restaurant. Being eaten at a new restaurant. Realizing that you can’t call that baby fat anymore. Realizing that you’re too old to go out. Going out and getting lost. Dementia. Forgetting a good memory. Reliving a bad one. Being stuck in a loop of suckiness. Losing your mind. Losing your pants. Finding someone else in your pants…while you’re in them.

People that seem to constantly be playing hide and seek with no one in particular. Being seeked with nowhere to hide. Having to hide your emotions from a loved one. Having no one to hide them from. Being found out. Spider monkeys with rabies, in little uniforms with handguns. People who bring irrelevant subjects into a conversation. Everybody talking about you. Nobody having anything to say about you. Finding out it’s not all about you. Finding out who it’s really about. The truth.

And that’s just a taste of the truly terrifying stuff we’ll be dishing out all month. So stay tuned HELLOWEEN starts right proper next week.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me directly at: [email protected].

Hope to hear from you, until then try and stay focused. See ya!