chainsaw_header“When I was a kid very little was explained to me about the terminology used in the world. Ergo, most things I figured out on my own or made-up along the way. A perfect example would be my misunderstanding of the term “wind chill factor” used in winter weather forecasts. I always understood it to be the “windshield factor” based on how much ice accumulated on the windshield and how many curses were uttered during its removal. Hmmm, judging from the look and volume of the windshield factor, guess there’ll be no school today.” — Quoted from Chapter 4; page 246 of Chainsaw’s Estranged Childhood Memoirs.

Sunday afternoon — the 7-day outlook predicts a possible cold front moving in. With temperatures in the mid-30s and a 15% chance of light frozen precipitation for the coming weekend. Some older folks, who’ve been there, done that, reschedule their grocery shopping for the next day as opposed to the week’s end. They’ll be picking up their usual weekly items early… just in case.

Monday evening — the local weather station confirms the cold front and throws in chilling winds from the north. Temperatures will be in the lower 30s, with a 32% chance of a wintery mix of precipitation casually mentioned… now, back to you Diane at the news desk. A few forward thinkers and doomsday preppers take note — staples are procured in moderation.

Tuesday night — the major news network’s weather block lasts a bit longer. The northern cold front is pressing in with freezing winds. Temperatures will range in the upper 20s with a 57% chance of sleet and between 2 to 4 inches of snow thrown in for good measure.

Wednesday morning — without warning the cold front has evolved overnight. Not even a chance to panic…err react responsibly, after last night’s broadcast! Now the National Weather Service is involved and tracking a MAJOR WINTER STORM :-O , imported directly from Canada, Eh! — Due to arrive post-haste and without fail late Saturday evening.

Temperatures will remain below freezing… forever! With a 112.4% certainty of frozen death from above, in the form of ice and 8 to 12 billion inches of snow! Accompanied on trumpet by icy northern winds gusting at speeds of up to 40+ million mph. Power outages and internet service failure is assured. The end is nigh… we’re all gonna die!!! Admittedly this is overdramatized for effect, but that’s what they might as well have said… considering viewers’ reactions.

That afternoon pandemonium finds its way onto the grocery aisles. With buggies overloaded and check-out lines stretching to infinity and beyond. People who’ve never eaten a sandwich in their lives suddenly require 6 loaves of bread to ride out the blizzard. Milk OMG we’ve got to find milk… because… umm it’s white… like snow? They call it “retail therapy” I call it insane, asinine ignorance. Tragically once the “snow-pocalypse” is over most of these “coveted staples” will be poured out or thrown away. Because nobody eats milk sopped bread crumbs on the regular.

Thursday and Friday are much the same, as forecasts grow colder, deeper and grimmer. Grocery shelves are all but bare of the basic amenities; straggling shoppers strenuously struggle, seeking survival surplus supplies, searching at stores of convenience. This process inhibited by crowds formed by the panicked masses filling up their gas tanks. Because after over-hoarding in preparation to hunker down, they want to be mobile as soon as the roads are hazardous and the travel advisory is nil. Saturday — time’s up, batten down the hatches, hell is about to freeze over!

Early Sunday morning, snow’s been blowing in for a few hours. Watching it come down, with no foresight of the outcome, one must ponder — should panicked hoarders consider others and hoard a little less, or should everyone else comply and prepare in advance a little more? Survival of the fittest or 1st come, 1st survived? Do feelings of self-righteous indignation override basic human compassion or is ignorant dismissiveness the true culprit?

Does it even matter? People don’t change whether or not it’s weather or not. Besides, by the time you’re reading this we’ll either be learning to survive in a frozen wasteland or chocking it up to mud and memories. Either way, right now, I need to check the windshield factor… to see if I’ll be going to work tomorrow.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected].

Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused. See ya.