Cold winds blow down from the north, with a bit of a nip and a touch of magic. It’s in the air, accompanied by a faintly festive familiar sound. Carried on the chill wind ‘tis the soft tinkling… the gentle ringing of… “Silver bells… silver bells, it’s Christmas time in the city. Ring-a-ling, hear them ring soon it will be…”
STOP! Put the bell down, step away from the pot. Aren’t we forgetting something before the bell tolls? Hold on, let me flip through these cassettes. Got to be something here. Not much is recorded on this particular theme, this’ll have to do. Wait, it’s got to rewind and… “CLICK”!
“I gotta thank mama for the cookin’. Daddy for the whuppin’! The devil for the trouble that I get into. I got to give credit where credit is due. I thank the bank for the money. Thank God for you.” Lyrics excerpted from “Thank God For You” by American country music band Sawyer Brown circa 1993.
Yeah, sorry. There aren’t many (if any), catchy and memorable Thanksgiving songs. So that’ll have to suffice. The lack thereof in itself speaks negative volumes of our species.
We are a thankless bunch. Maybe through evolved advancement we’ve forgotten how to be humbled by giving thanks. Maybe in today’s overcrowded mess of a world, we feel there’s nothing to truly be thankful for. For the latter, a source in which to direct thanks, there is a solution. What follows is a list of things that you cannot deny being thankful for which universally applies to everyone… (for the most part, anyway) and perhaps it’s content will humble and humor us a bit.
1. You have eyes and are literate. If you’d lost your eyes or they were stolen or if you’re illiterate, you couldn’t be reading this, unless someone’s reading it to you. In which case you can be thankful for…
2. Someone who will read to you. If someone is taking the time to read to you, they must care about you. So that means you can be thankful that…
3. You know a person who cares enough to spend time with you. Of course, you may be reading this all alone. In which case you should give thanks for…
4. Anti-social disorders and PRIVACY! Which is a rare commodity these days and should be enjoyed. Of course, the only way you can truly get privacy is if you’re reading this in a bathroom. Which means you have to be grateful for …?
5. Indoor plumbing! Without it, where could you read and defecate at the same time in private? Doing both in public might be bad. So, if you’re reading in the bathroom then a big thanks should be given because…
6. You can poop! If you couldn’t, you’d eventually explode. So be thankful you’re not a walking fecal matter bomb. Speaking of bombs, you can be glad that…
7. You’re not a suicide bomber. Because whether it be dookie or C-4, the blowing up part would probably suck for you. So be eternally grateful that…
8. You live in a country that doesn’t consider suicide bombing a legitimate occupation — (the retirement benefits are probably terrible). Speaking of which, you can be thankful that…
9. You haven’t succumbed to spontaneous combustion and exploded. Ergo, you can be thankful you’re still alive. Unless you don’t want to be alive (that’s sad). But with life expectancy averaging in the mid 70’s then you can at least be thankful for…
10. Having something to look forward to and pre-planned funeral arrangements. You get to pick the music, casket, flowers and everything. Which should make you thankful that…
11. You have choices. Like choosing to read this column. Thus, you cannot deny being thankful for…
12. A columnist that points out things you can get a chuckle over. And if successful, you can be thankful for that…
13. Grin on your face, which comes with the chuckle. That lets me know I can be thankful that I made you smile.
And if you didn’t smile and still feel you have nothing to be thankful for, or because you suffer from a low IQ and the humor went right over your head, remember: Ignorance is bliss and you can be thankful you’re too stupid to care.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
