Disclaimer: Before we carve into this week’s serving of insanity, an unbidden forwarding is in order. Neither Have Chainsaw Will Travel, nor the Focus, nor the staff thereof endorse, encourage or engage in wanton acts of vandalism or willful destruction of preholiday décor on private or public properties. It is illegal, it is mean (think of the kiddies) and despite the best intentions- frowned upon. Any such acts presented here are solely for the sake of s***s, giggles and daydreams. That said… let us giggle, whilst we daydream, about tearing some s*** up!
Considering all the “stop rushing the holiday” rants that have appeared in this column over the years. Compiled with the open blatantly admitted and well renowned distaste of preholiday decoration in these articles. And of course, oft expressed desire to quell the X-mas rush by any means possible. It came as little to no surprise when the cops showed up at the door.
It didn’t help matters that when John Q. (my stuffed yellow bear sidekick) answered said door he slammed it shut and ran back through the house squealing- “Eek! It’s da po-pos! The jig is being up! Hide them doughnuts (is that stereotypical racism?) and jellybeans!” WTF John! After stopping him from trying to flush his “illegal” stash of Pixy-Stix down the toilet, the door was re-answered.
At the door Officer O’Hara and Officer Fujiyama (ethnic diversity at its finest) were greeted and invited in for coffee and… well, just coffee. Once inside and caffeinated, they cut straight to the point. Questioning my involvement in some recent anti-Xmas incidents and random acts of preholiday mayhem. Attesting to no knowledge of recent incidental mayhem, they proceeded to fill me in on current criminal developments.
The trouble had begun on November 1st. When folks of an undisclosed neighboring hood had started taking down their All Hallows paraphernalia and simultaneously stringing up X-mas lights. That night, in the cover of blinking darkness, all the lights had been pulled down from gutters, overhangs and shrubbery, tied into knots… and set on fire. Aside from one strand used to spell out the sinister message- “NOT YET!”
In the following weeks, a multitude of giant X-mas inflatables met their demise. Air-bloated Santa’s on motorcycles, misshapen floaty reindeer and an assortment of oversized cartoon characters, made X-mas décor by the asinine addition of a Santa hat, all deflated. How so? Well… there were a plethora of stone tipped arrows recovered from the scenes.
In addition, all plastic holiday lawn ornaments were blasted to pieces with musket balls. All save for the Manger scenes. On one of these a note was found saying that no harm would befall these peaceful plastic pilgrim pigmies during the winter season.
Lastly, and most damning, was the incident caught on cctv footage at (store name withheld by request) just before their month-long pre-pre-Friday before Black Friday sale. The perpetrators arrived on horseback, brandishing tomahawks and blunderbusses. They were all dressed in authentic Native American or classic colonial style.
After smashing their way in, they set about destroying everything relating to the upcoming yuletide holiday. Aisles of decorations were toppled and trampled. All the pre-lit trees were chopped down. And Santas workshop was firebombed.
At this the officers gave pause and began questioning my whereabouts during the aforementioned incidents. Seriously gents? What do you think? That I’ve got a hoard of Pilgrams, Indians and a mutated human-sized turkey hidden in the crawl space? All hell-bent on halting the holiday rush.
Officer Fujiyama queried as to when anyone mentioned a mutated human-sized turkey. Well… I just assumed with the holiday theme they were shooting for there might be one. At this they were speculative, but with nothing solid to go on they’d be in touch and were on their way.
Once they had departed, I went to the crawlspace below the house. To tell the Pilgrams and Native Americans hidden there that we’d have to cancel future raids or risk indictment. The plan to save their descendants from their over-obsessive holiday selves was a bust. There was nothing left but to send them back home.
That night after dismantling the time-machine, I contemplated how we oft forget the pilgrims in our pilgrimage through life. As I sat by the firepit. Watching my mutated turkey costume be consumed by the flames.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via Focus, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
