As October continues and All Hallows’ Eve draws nigh, we, too, continue with a month long tribute to the darkest of holidays. (The lights grow darkly dim) Ladies and gentlemen, (there’s a scream from the darkness) boys and girls (creaky door opening sound effect here) welcome back, (it’s a closet…oops, wrong door) once again to… (Another creaky door opening sound and… okay, this is the right one) Have Chainsaw Will Travel’s Hell-o-ween.

After 15+ years of movie reviewing, with over 3000 films seen in theater, this retired reviewer (of 10+ years) has become quite the connoisseur of horror films. Watching horror franchises grow from jump-scare infancy, to full blown psycho-trauma terror adulthood, and at times wishing their funerals would come post-haste… preceding “Part 7- The Rebirthed Return of…Whatever the Hell the Horror is this Time Around”.

Sadly with extended exposure to the horror genre, one becomes numb to theatrical terror. There are patterns to most films (specifically horror) and once you’ve figured out the equations, the fun/fear factor is no longer a common denominator. Scare set-ups become obvious. The body count (and order which they are counted) is easy to calculate. And a certain level of predictability ensues; thus why I’m required to remain silent throughout the course of any film viewing…specifically horror.

However it also leads to an overwhelming knowledge of what and what not to do in the event one ever finds oneself deep within the terror filled, rotting bowels of a horror movie-type scenario. This week we share this amassed education with the masses. So you can be among the living when the credits roll…post-credits scene pending.

Chainsaw’s Horror
Movie Survival Guide

SawLet’s start with the basics. Vehicle maintenance is key to your survival, so keep yours in running order. Keep a spare key in the dash, a weapon under the seat (never the trunk) and a tankful of gas. The latter especially applies if you’re going to a party at the abandoned insane asylum. Always check the back seat before you get in, and turn off the headlights when you get out. If the place is questionable, retrieve your weapon from beneath said seat first.

Do not investigate weird noises or follow half-seen strangers into the darkness. What are you, stupid? They have the best candy but you’ll pay for a taste. If you think you heard or saw “something” it’s time to leave.

Forget using your cell phone. Even if you keep it charged, you’ll never find a signal. Don’t waste valuable time looking for one.

Do not split up! There’s safety in numbers. In addition, skill sets per individual can be better utilized when supported by a group. Additionally, weaker members will provide escape fodder when the chase/slaughter portion of the evening commences. Bonus tip: Stay in shape so you are not slaughter fodder.

If you’ve found a good hiding place do not discontinue hiding. Just because the killer passed you by doesn’t mean they won’t come back. Even if your friends are screaming for help, don’t come out of hiding. If you were any use to them you wouldn’t be hiding in the first place. Stay hidden and stay alive until real help arrives.

Do not run from the killer unless the killer is running after you. Pace yourself, maintain a safe distance and keep them in sight. The only thing scarier than being chased, is not knowing where what’s chasing you is. Do not engage unless necessary.

When engaging a killer, if shots or blows to the head and torso are ineffective, then take out their legs. If you do manage (by any means) to trip them up, knock them down momentarily or they become immobile of their own accord — DO NOT RUN AWAY! Disarm them if applicable. Then beat them with whatever is available. If you’ve the means, chop off at least one leg…if it grows back… now you can run away.

Just because they look dead doesn’t mean they are dead. If the leg didn’t grow back and they’re not moving, don’t go checking for a pulse. Keep your distance and stay armed and ready.

Lastly: always remember in this type of situation there is no “help” that can arrive knowing anymore of how to deal with this than you do… save maybe Bruce Campbell.

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.