ChainsawSalutations, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Have Chainsaw Will Travel’s Spectacular Easter Edition Extravaganza. Not sure what’s so spectacularly extravagant about it at this point — I kinda make this up as I go.

So… are you planning to have, having or did you have a good Friday? That joke is tricky, with the varying time frames per reader pending. Why do they call it “Good” Friday? Doesn’t it commemorate the day the founding father of Christianity was beaten, tortured, nailed to a dogwood tree and left to die? How is any of that “Good?” Yeah he was supposed to be dying for everyone’s sins — so good for us but what about him?

It seems very inconsiderate to consider anyone’s death “good” but … “Mistewr Chainsawman! There is anysomebody out the side cwying!” John Q., my diminutive yellow stuffed-bear sidekick has burst into the room to inform me we have a weeping visitor. Sure enough there at the back door stands… the Easter Bunny? EB what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be painting eggs or…

“Excuse me Mr. Chainsaw sir.” Thee Secretary (HCSAWWT’s official, prim and quite proper secretary) interrupts. “Sir there is someone at the door to see you.” Yes Thee of this I am aware. I’m seeing them right now… the rabbit sitting right there. “No sir,” she corrects, “at the front door. It’s a Mr. Christ. Though why He’d want to see you is beyond me.”

So we have the bunny at the backdoor and son of God at the front. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t a coincidence? And did Thee just take a “sinner” jab at me?

Minutes later — in the House o’ Saw’s conference room. Wait… when the hell did we get a conference room? It’s really nice and everything but on our budget… anywho… Long story short, these two have asked me to play mediator for their discussion on who the Easter weekend belongs to. Yeah, I’m highly qualified to referee such discussions (statement laden with heavy sarcasm). It’s about to get hairy so try and keep up.

OK. gentlemen let’s start by… EB (interrupting): I was here first! My religion had established rituals and activities long before you were even born. Then you come along and die and just think you can take over?

JC (calmly responds): Verily I say unto thee little one I “came along and died” so that others might live free of sin.

EB: But you’re here now… not dead?

JC: That is because I rose again.

EB: How do we know you really died and weren’t just pretending to psyche everyone out? Do you have a death certificate?

JC: Well no but it’s all catalogued in the Bible.

EB: Well the Pagan scrolls containing the rites of my version of the holiday existed long before the Bible.

JC: And those rites were of wicked intent. And now the symbolisms of those ancient rituals are carried over into the present day celebration of your version of the holiday.

EB: That’s true but nobody goes on an egg hunt with intentions of sacrificing marshmallow peeps in the name of Eostre! Things have changed! Now it’s just innocent fun.

JC: Fun to be had on the eve of my sacrifice to wash the world of sin… I died for this holiday!

EB: But you’re okay now right? Besides couldn’t you have just picked another weekend?

JC: Are you seriously asking why I couldn’t reschedule my crucifixion because it interfered with your egg-hiding plans?

EB: Well yeah… there’s nothing going on in May or June.

JC: Well it’s a little too late for that now. You know, as if dealing with that Kringle guy at my birthday wasn’t bad enough…

EB: Claus? What is it with you and doing all your activities on established Pagan holidays? More importantly — why am I never invited to your birthday parties?

JC: I honestly didn’t think you’d come… being that you’re a work of imagination.

EB: But didn’t all your works start that way?

JC: I suppose they did… thought into existence by my father.

Having found common ground they decided to continue to share the holiday respectively. There was no need for me to mediate. My suggestion to let Jesus hide the eggs every other year was shot down rather quickly — Happy Easter!

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.