Maybe, that afternoon, your throat was kinda scratchy, nose a bit sniffly, you felt a little tired. Allergies? Perhaps, once in bed, you couldn’t get comfortable, felt a tad achy, tossed, turned, couldn’t sleep. Discomforting comforter? Or perchance you just woke up with…what? No fever, no puking, no cough, no symptoms of anything. Sick? No.., at least you don’t think so. A little off? Yeah, for sure. You’re not sick, you just feel… weirdo. And, despite job dedication and stern work ethics, you realize weirdo isn’t going to work. Looks like a sick day in progress.
Doctor? For what, so you can be told there’s nothing wrong? Receive a professionally guesstimated diagnosis, prescription for make-believe and be charged out the wazoo for nothing? A day’s pay will already be sacrificed to this weirdness. No point in adding incurred debt to absenteeism. However, no doctor means no doctor’s note and without doctorial documentation your ailing absence may become quickly questionable despite a spotless attendance record.
You’re not to blame. Excuse-abuse is the culprit here, by those co-workers who claim “sick days” at every turn. Burning through the integrity of any and all valid reasons for absence for the sake of f***ing off. Encouraging employers to assume that everyone else is doing the same.
So sadly, despite your sickly sincerity, your boss probably won’t believe you anyway. Now if they were gonna fire you, you probably wouldn’t be talking. So why not have a little fun with it?
Chainsaw’s Validated Excuses and Explanations for Work Tardies & Absences
1. The boss asks, “Why are you late?” You answer: “Well, I would have made it, but I had to stop a full-scale alien invasion. So, it was either be on time or save the planet!”
2. The boss asks, “Why are you tardy?” You reply: “Garden Gnomes stole my car keys.”
3. H.R. says, “You missed the past 2 days.” You say: “I suffered temporary insanity.” They query, “But you’re here now?” You retort “I said it was only temporary!”
4. You call in and say, “My dog got hit by a car, so I tried to jump him off with jumper cables. Good news, the dog is alive. Bad news — my battery is dead.”
5. Your manager asks, “Where were you this morning?” You reply: “I had a run-in with my evil twin!”
6. H.R. says, “There was no excuse for you to be tardy yesterday!” You say: “Oh yes there was, Jesus Christ came for breakfast.” They ask, “Now why would Jesus go to your house for breakfast?” You respond: “Because, I was the only one awake that early, getting ready for work…and I had Pop Tarts.”
7. Your supervisor asks, “Where were you yesterday?” You reply: “I was dead!” They say, “But you’re here and alive now.” You say, “Yeah, I got reincarnated as myself this morning.”
8. The boss asks, “Why weren’t you here last Friday?” You say: “It was a religious holiday.” They ask, “What religion?” You reply, “Whichever one was having a holiday!”
9. Your boss states, “You were absent yesterday.” You say: “My legs fell off.” They retort, “Your legs look fine to me.” Patting your leg you say, “Isn’t it amazing what you can do with duct tape and Bondo.”
10. The supervisor calls, “Why aren’t you here?” You reply: “Zoo animals escaped! There are lions and tigers and bears outside!” They respond, “Oh my!”
11. Your manager asks, “Why weren’t you here yesterday?” You respond: “I invented a time machine and took it for a test run yesterday morning. It worked and brought me forward in time to today. But then the flux capacitor quit fluxing so I couldn’t go back to yesterday.”
12. Your boss exclaims, “You’ve been out all week!” You sagely reply: “A zombie apocalypse can happen at any time, so I was training for the inevitable!”
13. The boss inquires, “Why weren’t you here Wednesday?” You reply: “It was “bring your kid to work day” and I couldn’t catch one!”
14. Your supervisor asks, “Where were you yesterday?” You retort: “Where were YOU yesterday?” They respond angrily “I was here!” You calmly reply, “Oh… that explains why I didn’t see you.”
15. H.R. says, “There are no excuses for being absent.” You say: “I can show you 14.”
I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected].
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
