ChainsawBefore we roll out this week’s batch of randomly collaborated nonsense (because this week it kinda is) Have Chainsaw Will Travel would like to extend a sincere “thank you.” Pouring out a full glass of truly heartfelt appreciation reserved for those special folks who panic and reveal their true self-centered selves in face of a crisis. We are of course speaking of the latest gas shortage crisis (which lasted less than 48 hours) and those individuals who felt the need to take every available gas holding container to the pumps. Thanks for needlessly hoarding fuel so the rest of us who actually needed to fill our tanks could go without. Insert criticizing sarcasm where appropriate. Now on with the show…

Apologies in advance to any members of the NRA, gun advocates in the audience or right to bear arms enthusiasts, this article has nothing to do with firearm safety. Nor does it contain information on what to do if you find lost munitions. What it does contain is a randomly assorted collaboration of humor consisting of play-on-words, trivial trivia, stray thoughts, dark humor, bad jokes and dad jokes just for s***s and giggles… “poot” teehee! Cuz we all seriously need a serious break from seriousness.

So if a can opener stops working and won’t open a can, would it be a can’t opener? (That’s awful.)

If a robot is programmed to paddle a boat, would it be a row-bot? (That’s worse.)

Would it be offensive to refer to someone who’s in the stages of a sex change operation a Transformer?

If the abbreviation G.O.A.T. means Greatest Of All Time, does that make goats the best animals ever?

If a night light comes on during the day, would it be considered daylight?

If you knock a night stand over it becomes a night stood.

Stray Bullets

The suffix -ette designates a feminine role or identity; so this implies that a cigarette is just a girly version of a cigar.

If a catholic priest serves fish ‘n’ chips at a dinner, would he be considered a fish-friar or a chip-monk?

What’s the difference between couch and sofa? ‘Couch’ is the more casual term used for a comfort-driven piece, while ‘sofa’ is the more formal and might refer to a polished, design-driven piece.

If you’re American when you go into a bathroom and American when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.

When the property owner was asked if he had any idea who might have cut down all his trees, he said he was completely stumped.

If two lumberjacks get into a dispute over who is the better of the two, do they have a lumber jack off? It’s only dirty if you think of it that way.

We’ve always heard that “Knowledge is power” so if the powerlines go down will people get stupider?

So if you have a photo of a baseball player on your tea jug, then you may have a pitcher picture pitcher.

Traditionally paratroopers yelled “Geronimo” when they jumped from a plane, do female troopers yell “Pocahontas”? What do Native Americans yell when they jump?

A lot of men detest body hair, but eventually it grows on them.

Did you hear about the poor guy who got his left arm and leg ripped off in an auto accident…he’s all right now.

Did you hear about that other guy that fell down the well? Turns out he couldn’t see that well.

Prostitutes who turn tricks exclusively at swimming pools are called water-hoes.

The sign says “Slow Children at Play” but those kids are moving pretty fast.

You’re either trapped at home or can’t get there if you live on a One Way Dead End street!

They may have built this city on rock and roll, but it started with plain country.

How many dead bodies does it take to screw in a light bulb? It depends on how well you can stack them.

Are all phones in prisons cell phones?

What’s the difference between jam and jelly? You can’t jelly your finger.

What’s worse than discovering you were so tired last night that you dropped your socks in the toilet? Don’t look in the hamper!

Well, we were going to wrap this thing up with a time traveling joke… but you guys didn’t like it.

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.