chainsaw_headerAnd so that’s how it ends. John Q., my yellow, stuffed bear side-kick made a new friend—William the lobster. Which means we have yet another roommate, since I decided to let William stay with us… upon John’s humble, eloquently voiced request: “Oh pwease, pwease, pwease, pwetty pwease wif tapioca cweam on da top weet him stay PWEASE!!!” Yeah he had to stay simply because otherwise my spellcheck would lose its mind, trying to decipher John Q. speak. So we set him up an aquarium in the office.

Besides we had kinda murdered his merciless, evil overlord Lobster Claus. Who, in retrospect, really wasn’t that evil. He was just the physical manifestation of a year’s worth of mine own pent up stress. Why in hell my stress would embody a 6-foot tall lobster we may never know. Yes, he came to the House O’Saw to teach a valuable lesson- stress and worry can kill you, and we chopped him up with a toy chainsaw powered by a child’s love. Oh well…these things happen.

Frank, my cigarette bumming cohort, a.k.a. the Angel of Death, got his arms chopped off by Lobster Claus. Which was a pretty smart play on the crustacean’s part, seeing as how Frank could have easily disposed of him with a simple touch. No worries though, we grafted Lobster Claus’ claws onto Frank…so he’s good. Though he’s having some trouble smoking with those things…maybe it’s time we both “QUIT” (to be continued for sure…the quitting, not the bodily dismemberment and skin grafting).

As for my doting spouse Lil Red and Gabriel­— (the grand-saw formerly known as the Tot) they came to my rescue at the tail-end of the seafood fiasco. ‘Twas the toddler’s love which powered yon plastic saw to slay the oceanographic nightmare. They’re safe, sound, happy and much loved. In addition, seeing as how this is being composed on the eve of X-mas, I can assure you that the jolly fat man and myself have a wonderful morning planned for them tomorrow.

Well that’s about that. So, in hindsight the lesson for this year and as we trek on into the next is: Take time to live, laugh and love without worry nor care; because if you stress out too much…there might be a lobster there. Annnndddd that’s a wrap! We’ll see ya next year! Doot, de doo de doo do, a doot doo doot de doot- another holiday!

“Wait!!! Wait!!! Mr. Chainsaw…man… sir WAIT!” Huh??? Umm yes can I help you? “Mr. Chainsaw sir, I regret to inform you, you can’t end the column that way!” Really? Why not? It seems like a perfectly fine way to…wait a minute who the hell are you? Why are you here and how did you get in here? “I’m your secretary sir, I’m here to assist you, the front door…a little boy let me in.”

HOW IT ENDSSecretary??? I didn’t hire a secretary! “No sir, I was hired by a Mr. Frank and Mr. Q. I met with them, in person, last week to apply for the position.” Really now? So it didn’t strike you as odd or unusual that you were being interviewed for employment by the Grim Reaper with lobster hands and an animate stuffed bear? “No sir…a job is a job and I found them quite charming and persuasive.” You found them charming? Persuasive I can understand…along the lines of pesteringly, insistently, irritatingly annoying but CHARMING?!? “They served me hot tea and scones sir. That pretty much sealed the deal.” We have scones? I didn’t get a scone…not even sure if I know what a scone is. “A scone is a single-serving quick bread/cake, usually made of wheat, barley or oatmeal sir.”    

Well thank you Miss Wiktionary…wait… what is your name? “I already told you sir I am Your Secretary.” Oh well that makes perfect sense that your name would be your position. Guess it’s good your parents didn’t name you Cheap Hooker huh? “Yes sir, I am very fortunate to not have suffered such indignity at the hands of my parental figures. Now, without further ado I must remind you we are on a deadline sir. I would suggest that you take this time to wane poetic about the year’s end or perhaps a tribute to the coming New Year? Or maybe a cheerful anecdote about people’s failures at success with resolutions would be quite engrossing?”

Umm…yeah about that; listen, I need to get a shower and get ready for X-mas at my in-laws. I’ve already ended this article once and don’t intend to do so again. Since you’re the secretary why don’t you finish up here and I’ll see you next week…be sure to feed the lobster. “But sir, this wasn’t in my job description! I’m not really qualified to…and he’s already gone…sigh.”

“Umm hello dear readers of Mr. Chainsaw’s weekly column: I regret to inform you that Mr. Chainsaw will not be available to finish this week’s entry. If such an ending is desired please refer to paragraph 5, section 4 of this column. On behalf of Mr. Chainsaw and all the members of the HCSAWWT cooperative (myself included) I’m sure he wishes you all had the Merriest of Christmases and will have Happiest of New Years! Umm don’t drink and drive! Buckle-up! I cannot believe I agreed to be paid in scones!”   

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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!