Fall is falling, darkness is earlier in calling and October has arrived. On its coattails rides the bastard child of the holiday season, a night of unspeakable horrors where anything goes—Halloween. Tragically in recent years this darkest of holidays has become little more than a shadow of its former self. Now that the holiday is well on its way to full-blown commercialization, the dark fear and fun that was All Hallows Eve is almost gone. What remains is now divided into two very distinctive, almost separate celebrations on opposite ends of the holiday spectrum. There’s Trick-or-Treat Halloween for the kiddies, a fun, family friendly affair that all can participate in and no one need be afraid. Then there’s Adult Halloween, leave the kids at home, dress like a sexy whatever and drink till you drop in the great pumpkin patch. There’s plenty to be afraid of here—the spread of venereal disease due to drunken sex in “sexy” Pokémon costumes is high on the list.
Halloween is not supposed to be sexy, cute or funny, it’s supposed to be f***in scary, man! It’s the one time during the year that we are reminded how fun it is to be scared… and get free candy. So where can you go to find some remnant of this once horrific holiday? Well luckily you’ve come to the right place. It’s become a decade long tradition that during the 10th month of the year HCSAWWT tricks and treats you to true tales of terror in the weeks leading up to All Hallows Eve. If for nothing more than to serve as a reminder of what once was and to prove that even though Halloween has fallen short in the fear factor, there are still a lot of things in the everyday world to be afraid of. Things like…
Bears! In the past we’ve discussed my “irrational” fear of bears. FYI there is nothing wrong with being deathly afraid of a 1,000 pound carnivore that can eat you. Nobody pokes fun at arachnophobiacs. Grown men who jump up on stools and squeal like little girls if they see an eight legged freak. News flash- you can’t get away from a bear by climbing on a stool! Aside from bears…
Clowns in the woods. Clowns in your neighborhood. Speaking of clowns, Clinton or Trump? Bears dressed as clowns in your house…moving on.
Getting stuck in an elevator with someone you hate. Getting stuck in an elevator with someone you really like but they don’t know yet (but they will).
Making a fool out of yourself when it matters most.
Being in love with someone who will never love you. Being trapped in a relationship with someone you no longer love.
Divorce. Adultery. Getting caught. The person who catches you not caring. Spending the holidays alone. Finding a dead baby chick in your shoe. Discovering you’re a sleep walker. Waking up in a chicken house. Realizing you’re secretly a chicken. Chicken McNuggets. Waking from a bad dream only to realize it was better than your reality. Kids who seem to exist in a different reality. Kids at a day care fence who stare at the road. Prison breaks. Going to prison for a crime you didn’t commit. Committing a crime and not knowing about it. Multiple personality disorder. Finding out that your other personalities hate you. Coming to the realization that you are creepy. Becoming the stranger your mother warned you about. Not fearing strangers because you are stranger. A nude elderly man in your front yard. The effects of aging. And now he’s dancing. Stumbling across porn while trying to show your child a fun video. Pop-ups. Kids who refuse to “Look away!” Looking away at the wrong time. Being in an automobile accident. People that think they can stare at their phones and drive. Pokémon Go! People who tweet their status before calling 911. Our continuing dependence on technology. The generally increasing ignorance of the human race. West Virginians. Stereotyping. Not knowing what type of stereo to buy. Settling for what your budget can afford. Realizing that you’ll never be rich, cool or popular. Having your childhood dreams shattered. Shattering a child. Glass children. Getting a shard of glass super-glue stuck to your fingertip. Finding blood when you wipe. Realizing it’s not your blood. Anal rape. Discovering the clown bear that’s been hiding in your closet. He only comes out at night.
Whew! Enough! Obviously there are a lot of scary things in our world…mostly bears. So grab that fear by the reigns and take flight, Hell-o-ween has only just begun!
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