The Secretary enters the office with an armload of files, charts and assorted data printouts. (Insert joke here about who the heck names their kid “The”).

“Mr. Chainsaw sir, here are the files, charts and assorted data on the current state of crisis that may prove useful in constructing this week’s column,” she states flatly, placing the pile gingerly on my desk. Seriously The, when have we ever done research for this thing? Usually I just make s*** up! OK, that’s a lie- sometimes there is excessive research involved… and then I make s*** up.

Sorry to say we won’t be able to use any of this The. Because I’m tired of writing about it and they’re tired of reading about it… and I haven’t made up anything new to say about it this week. She rolls her eyes, “As you wish sir. Oh, I took the liberty of bringing that creepy “thing” from the kitchen as you requested. And before you can argue its thingness, need I remind you a thing is an object that one need not, cannot, or does not wish to give a specific name to or an inanimate material object as distinct from a living sentient being.” So… we could lump your personality into that category, The? She smirks, “Very funny sir, now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you with your thoughts and your creepy thing.”

Wow, that sounded like an opening line for a porno. But it’s not and this thing isn’t creepy… well not much. Of course Lil Red (that’s the petite spouse) would disagree and did when I found it. Not that her opinion did any good.

Snatching it up off the thrift store shelf, she was treated to the look of “I must have this – it will be mine at any price!!!” Which was a dollar, ‘cause hey, thrift. Though she did ask, “Are you really going to buy that creepy thing?” Well yeah… duh!

The mentality behind it is hard to explain, unless you already understand. Artists in all formats (including literary) find inspiration in a vivid variety of various vicarious forms. Sometimes, it makes logical sense and flows along with their known interests. Other times it’s just an inexplicable impulse that they themselves may have no rational explanation for but feel they must act upon. Whichever way it rolls there is a strong compulsion for possession. It’s like chasing and catching a thought you didn’t know you had and holding onto it until you can think it through. So inspired — yes! Why, no idea.

Once we got the “creepy thing” home, to ease her mind and alleviate her level of creepiness, it seemed the best place for it was on the kitchen window sill. “Why are you putting that creepy thing there? I’ll have to look at it every time I cook or do the dishes!” Because that’s where it wants to go… it told me so. “Why do you need that creepy thing anyway?”

Look woman, it is not a “creepy thing” it is a ¼ scale PVC pretend cat… and his name is Mr. Terminator Cuddles… the 3rd. “OK, so then why do you need a creepy ¼ scale PVC pretend cat…and when did you name it?” Because… I can’t have a real one… and just now.

She had no idea I wanted a cat. That’s because I didn’t, I don’t; at least not right now. Besides I’m allergic and it would make Mr. Terminator Cuddles the 3rd jealous. Plus with three dogs, (one indoor and two out) it’d be like a feline version of purgatory.

So why say that the purchase of said Mr. Terminator Cuddles the 3rd is the result of not being able to have an actual living, not thing cat? Because potential artistic integrity was challenged when a question was asked that has yet to reveal its answer.

Wow, that was a weak answer. But then again how do you answer a question when not only is there not an answer but you’re not fully aware of what question will be answered?

Hmmm still kinda lame in a Confucius-wisdom kind of way. How about simply admitting you didn’t know what else to say. In which case perhaps saying nothing at all is the answer when one questions your creepy things.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me directly at [email protected]. Hope to hear from you, until then try and stay focused. See ya!