“His Excalibur… a gutted chainsaw. His lance… a trusty 12-gauge. His noble steed… a moonlit 79’ El Camino. No traditional knight in shining armor is he. Yet he serves as a defender of the defenseless, friend to the stranger and guardian of the innocent. This­— the unspoken promise, sealed with a tip of his cap, of a man called Chainsaw, our resident knight in faded flannel.” – Author unknown and forgotten.

Happy birthday to me! HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!! Happy birthday, happy birthday! Happy birthdaaaaayyyy tooooo-ah meeeeeeee!!! Do not wish me the birthday happiness now…not even the belated variety. If you are reading this on its date of publication, I am now 45.003 years old (it was Labor Day) so you obviously forgot and I obviously don’t care. But now, in my present time, I am celebrating…WHOOHOO!!! By sitting here in my office… writing this article…all by myself…sigh…whoohoo indeed. OK, enough happy party fun times, now let’s get down to business.

So the original idea of this article, 4 ½ decades in the making, was to share 45 years’ worth of knowledge with you, the reader, entitled “45 Lessons Learned.” However, some weren’t so much lessons as they were personal thoughts so, “45 Thoughtful Lessons Learned.” Also, many turned out to be an assortment of ideas and realized concepts, ergo, “45 Realistically Assorted Conceptual Thoughts of Idealistic Lessons Learned.”

It was as this point that I realized the title itself would consume over half the article, not leaving room for 45 of anything. In addition, I couldn’t come up with 45 different things at the moment, just around 30 something. So I made up 15 more as it went. The math may be wrong there, but seeing as I experienced my mid-life crisis in my early twenties, according to the math I shouldn’t be alive to write this anyway…so it balances out. Now, without further ado…


Have Chainsaw Will Travel Reluctantly Presents: “30 Something (+ 15) Realistically Assorted Conceptual Thoughts of Idealistic Lessons Learned over 4 ½ Decades Because I am Not Dead Yet in NO Particular Order.” And… here we go!

1.Smoking is bad.

2. Quitting smoking is hard!

3. If you’ve smoked for 30 years, setting your cessation day as September (not a day in September, just “September”) is acceptable.

4. The best way to stop a bad habit is to never start.

5. The longer you wait the harder it gets.

6. There is probably a clever sex pun for that.

7. Things are easier to kill when they’re small.

8. You cannot squish a flea, they are flat.

9. To kill a flea you must catch it and rip it in half.

10. Babies are stupid, they don’t know anything.

11. Ignorance truly is bliss.

12. Innocence should be acknowledged and cherished.

13. Nothing lasts forever.

14. The good die young, so rest homes are just a bastion of evil?

15. There is no rest for the wicked and justice never sleeps. Does justice not rest because it cannot sleep?

16. Evil can be found all around.

17. Are we witnesses to this, or just in denial that we are part of it?

18. The world is a wonderful place, though some of its content is questionable.

19. The human race has already been lost.

20. Hate everybody until you get to know them, it’s safer that way.

21. Hate is necessary but shouldn’t be exploited endlessly.

22. Racism is a misconception of judgment.

23. A**holes come in every color.

24. For some, High School never ends; usually the popular kids who had everything their way.

25. There is intelligent life out there. You can tell because it never comes here.

26. Now that everyone has a camera, no one captures pictures of UFOs anymore.

27. Nightmares are just a collaboration of momentary events that make a dramatic impact on our consciousness.

28. Bears are scarier than aliens… or anything else really.

29. There would be less forest fires if Smokey mauled a few careless campers.

30. Only YOU can prevent forest fires…buckle your safety belt.

31. We wouldn’t need seat belts if everyone knew how to drive properly.

32. No one can safely text and drive, nor should they try.

33. A good in person conversation is worth a thousand texts.

34. Rainbows and butterflies are not “gay” they are nature and here for everyone.

35. Symbolism is nothing more than labeling with pictures.

36. It is unmanly to carry an umbrella, but gentlemanly if you hold it for a lady.

37. Rain is a necessary evil.

38. Mowing grass is one of the seven levels of Hell.

1. There is nothing more wondrous than the sincere laughter of a happy child.

2. Child abuse and molestation should be punishable with abuse and molestation.

3. What goes around does not always come around.

4. Ferris wheels are merry-go-rounds turned sideways.

5. A sideways smile is half of a frown.

6. At some point in time, everyone cries.

7. Words can do more damage than a closed fist.

8. Yell at people when you hit them, it’ll do more damage.

9. Violence does solve a few things. Ever kill a spider with kind words?

10. Honestly I’m impressed there’s not been one mention of a zombie apocalypse thus far.

11. Oops!

12. People who don’t take chances and try new things are happier in general.

13. Live life to the fullest by your own definition.

14. You don’t have to be like anybody or like anybody, but liking you is important.

15. You’ll never reach the end unless you start at the beginning.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at [email protected] or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!