“Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.” – Lewis Carroll, from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, circa 1865.
Salutations regular readers, thanks for joining me on a final wagon ride. Downhill, at breakneck speeds, destination unknown. As for irregular readers… first of all- get that irregularity checked, no point in becoming a walking fecal matter bomb. Second- nobody cares if you’re here because you can never come back again.
This week we embark on a farewell tour of sorts. Not sure where this is going to go but quite certain it will end. So as always- watch me for the changes and try to keep up… one last time.
Departure: Dolph- our resident undead zombie reindeer. Contrary to popular belief, zombies do have an expiration date. Dolph died (can the undead die) or rather rotted to pieces a few weeks after last X-mas. The birds got to him before we could administer a proper burial, feasting on his undead flesh… now the friggin birds are eating one another…boom-stick time?
Departure: Thee Secretary- HCSAWWT’s prim, proper, prudent secretary (though why anyone would name their child “Thee” is beyond me). Thee had of course emptied her desk, packed up her personals and sanitized her workspace a week in advance. As she approached for the last time a deep thunk politically correct expulsion was expected… but no. She had a tear in her eye, placed a kiss on my cheek and her resignation typed in triplicate on my desk as she faded away.
Departure: Frank- The angel of death, cigarette moocher extraordinaire and a close personal friend of mine. Hooded cloak and scythe aside, Frank looks to be a roguishly handsome silent-era movie star dressed in a ruffled black suit and fedora. Which means the embrace he offers is safe. He tells me he’ll see me again in the future… maybe. He still has money down against Satan on my possible immortality. He starts to bum a smoke… I give him the pack and with a tip of his hat he’s gone.
Departure: William- John Q’s pet lobster. We ate him. What’d you expect? Boiled lobster tastes awesome!
Departure: John Q.- My stuffed yellow bear sidekick… and closest companion. He knows… there is no fear, no squealing and running about… just a smile of acceptance. I pick him up and hold him to my heart. He hugs… as much as his stubby little arms can manage. “Mr. Chainsaw man…you are the mosterest funniest that ever there was! Our adventures have been the most amazingest times! You are my very bestest friend… and I lov…” His childlike voice cuts off and the light fades from his sewn-on eyes, as whatever it is I put into him all those years ago returns to its source. A simple teddy bear rests in shaking hands and is placed gingerly into a small bear sized chair. Where he will remain… less I ever need him again.
Well… that part sucked.
Let’s finish this…
Departure: Chainsaw- Stepping to the mirror, confronting my reflective self. The flannel looks unfaded, the hat fresh out-of-box. Less wrinkles around his eyes, and his mutton chops lack those white whisps. Full of life and vigor, ten-foot tall and bullet proof. “Remember…” I tell him, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… except bears. Bears will kill you… and eat you… perhaps not in that order.” He fires back- “Only you can prevent forest fires… buckle your safety belt.” (Only one in ten get that joke). I reply- “And sometimes… like now… you gotta mop in the rain.” We walk away, in opposite directions… that’s how mirrors work.
After 30 years of writing, for this wonderful weekly publication, there’s really nothing left to say. No final thoughts or words of wisdom to bestow upon you but always remember… on life’s long journey wherever you go… there you are and always carry a loaded chainsaw.
Out there in the newspapers you’re a million words away. Every ounce of inspiration you try to type away. As the thoughts pour out your brain like the things that you say. Later in the evening as you lie awake in bed. With the echoes from the printers ringing in your head. You smoke the day’s last cigarette, remembering what Tammy said. Here I am… on the road again. There I am…feeling my age. Ah, here I go… hit that space bar again. There I go… here I go… turn the page.
