chainsaw_headerArrr!!! Ahoy me mateys and scurvy dogs alike! It be I, Captain Chainsaw of the H.M.U.S.S.S. Boat. With all that abbreviatin’ there wasn’t much room left across the stern for a proper pirate ship name arrr. Aye but ye’ll find she’s a seaworthy craft once we raise three sheets to the wind arrr and set sail for adventure on the high seas.

So come aboard ye landlubbers and let us be underway arrr. Heave ho, batten down the hatches, hoist the mainsail and scuttle the jib… the jib…arrr I think it’s that thing over there… arrr just scuttle that and let’s be underway! Arrr again, let us be for raising the Jolly Roger… arrr no you idiots arrr the flag with the skull and crossbones arrr not the guy…just let Roger go. Sorry Roger arrr arrr arrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Stupid hook, it keeps raking across the “A” and getting hung on the “R” key. How in the hell did pirates ever manage to type with these things? OK, so let’s ditch the hook and ya know what, this whole pirate thing isn’t working. Can’t half see with this eye patch and this broomstick duct-taped to my leg looks ridiculous. Ya know with all these infirmities it’s surprising pirate ships weren’t equipped with handicapped ramps. Wonder if they got preferred dock parking? Moving on…

With Valentine’s Day two weeks in the rearview, did you take that annual opportunity to find, profess or perhaps even reignite true love? (Wow that was a drastic and unexpected topic change; what in hell did all that pirate crap above have to do with anything?)

Now two weeks later, how is that working out for you? Is she the girl of your dreams? Is he the one you’ve been waiting for? With the month of amoré has come to a close, perhaps now is as good a time as any to evaluate exactly what kind of relation-ship you are sailing… or got stuck on board. Ahh boat stuff, now the pirate thing makes sense… sort of.

Maybe you’re in a Kayak- there’s only enough room in your life for one right now and that’s just fine. What’s important is that you’re happy with yourself.

Rowboat- one person does all the work of keeping the ship moving while the other enjoys the ride. This can work out fine, if both are satisfied with the seating arrangement. The ride may last much longer if you take turns on the oars.

Competitive Rowboat- this streamlined shell is fast-paced and demanding with multiple partners. You’re either constantly stroking or yelling at others to do so…and we’re just gonna stop this right there.
Canoe- it takes two working together to properly guide this vessel down the river of life and love. So you’re overly particular looking for just the right shipmate to share the journey.

Rubber raft- you’re ready for the rapids and any adventure life tosses your way. But when the initial excitement is over and you find yourself in still waters. This type of relation-ship can deflate and sink quickly.

Lifeboat- these usually come into play when a much larger ship has sunk. So you’re on the rebound trying to stay afloat, recover and figure out where to dock next.

Speedboat- you can find a mate easily and fall fast. Initially it’s exciting but you rush the ride and it’s over before you can truly enjoy the experience.

Fishing boat- you both have to stay on your own end of the boat. You’re together, but have your own pole and agenda because it’s best not to try and fish on the same side.

Sailboat- ah this is the epitome of romance; leaving the destination of your love to wherever the winds may take you. As long as you watch for rocks and steer clear of foul winds.

Pirate ship- Aye mateys who be needing love and romance?  Tis all about the booty!

Submarine- you keep it on the down-low, just below the tide of the social scene. Never letting anybody see what’s beneath the surface, you slip in and out often undetected. Welcome aboard the S.S. Adultery.

Steamship- it’s a strong, sturdy sea-fairing vessel to be sure. As long as you constantly feed and keep the fire burning.

Yacht- gold diggers welcome aboard, you’re shallow and having a good time. Usually the ship sinks rather quickly if the money runs out.

Tugboat- strong and sure, braving the roughest of storms and often lending a towline to other ships that have been set adrift.

Aircraft carrier- the size and responsibilities of this vessel are huge. As long as you have a good captain who can stay the course, this ship can be decommissioned and last for years to come.

Cruise-ship- it’s always a party and its wonderful fun as long as other people are around to share it. But when the party’s over and the guests disembark, there’s little more to do than make port.

Battleship- it’s a constant battle without compromise or end. Why did you even get on this boat in the first place? Because it was the easiest to get on and it’ll be the hardest to get off of.

We could wrap this up sweetly by saying everyone wants the canoe. That everyone wants to find their perfect shipmate and sail off into the sunset; to hopefully board the aircraft carrier in the future and retire in love and happiness. Yeah, we could say that, but it would be a lie. Some people are content to row through life, while others settle into the complacency of the usual fishing hole. Some like it fast and furious with little effort, while others believe without constant effort it’s pointless. Some like to lurk in the depths, and others are just there for the party. For some, it truly is an endless quest for treasure.

So who’s right? Who’s wrong? Which is the best kind of ship to climb aboard? The answer is all of the above. As long as you can find someone to share it with there is no wrong way to find or experience love.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at [email protected] or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!