So…have you been thankful? Well, you’d best get on with it, we’re down to grateful ground zero here! But as we wrap up the thankful portion of the holidays, we won’t harp on the why, to whom and for what you should give thanks. Been there- done with that.
Instead, let’s explore the history of the first Thanksgiving. Not the government cover-up they teach you in school, you can Wikipedia that s*** to your heart’s content. But rather what actually went down at the Rock (as in Plymouth) circa 1621.
It actually all began in 1587 with the ill-fated Roanoke colony… and an alien invasion. It’s unknown as to whether the spaced-out-invaders were searching the new continent’s coastline for a fuel source, or on an intergalactic beer run. Regardless of the reason, their arrival incited panic in the early settlers. Who fell rather quickly to the aliens’ equally panicked ray-gun fire.
Historical accounts say that at this point some pioneers rose up postmortem. And then began to assault the extraterrestrial intruders. This zombification may have resulted from radiation emitted from the alien craft.
Encountering “unkillable” resistance, the aliens fled the undead, leaving the natives to deal with the ghoulish hoard. This is heavily surmised because of the word- “CROATOAN” found carved into a tree at Roanoke. Which roughly translates to- “Watch out for zombies!”
30 years later the Mayflower crashed into Plymouth Rock. During an ill-fated attempt at the first transoceanic “beer run”. Since DUIs’ didn’t exist in 1620, no charges were filed.
Over the course of the next year, the settlers made peace with the native American Wampanoag tribe. This was only after quoting the lyrics to Indian Outlaw thus proving they were not zombies. All the crap you read in history books is pretty much accurate from this point on… till you get to autumn of the following year.
1621 was a good year for the pilgrims. With the aid of their Native American hosts, their planting had been quite plentiful. But as they were bringing in the last of the harvest… the aliens returned.
When first sighting the alien craft, the settlers proclaimed it as an object they could not identify that was flying. So, they called it a- “scary, silver bird-thingie”. Suddenly the flying saucer dipped and promptly crashed into the fields. The pilgrims were terrified, but their newfound Wampanoag allies knew the score and prepared to fight.
As the craft’s hatch opened, it cast a greenish glow from within and… ninjas jumped out! You see in 1587 when the aliens had fled from the zombies, they’d run out of fuel and crash landed into a Buddhist temple in Japan. It had taken 34 years for the Japanese to understand the alien technology (which explains why they’re so far ahead of us in that field).
Now, using the alien vessel, they’d come to claim this new world for themselves. That, or they were making a saké run… documentation is a little fuzzy on that. Either way, when they exited that ship all hell broke loose.
Muskets were fired, arrows were shot, and throwing stars were… threw. Despite superior numbers, the pioneers were losing badly to the fighting skills of these space men from the east. That’s when the flock of turkeys wandered into the fray.
These land-of-the-rising-sun conquers saw these birds as holy divinities sent from Buddha himself (turkeys look fat like Buddha). Thus, dropping their weapons and bowing to the flightless fowl. Opportunity knocked and the combined Americana answered turning the tide of battle in their favor.
With Godzilla’s homeboys defeated, the question of what to do with all the turkeys remained. That’s when the spaceship backfired, sending out a blinding inferno of fire. Flash-frying the whole flock.
Not wanting to let the meat go to waste, the pilgrims and Wampanoag used the ninjas’ swords to carve the birds up. As they ate, they were openly “thankful” they didn’t get their a**es handed to them by the alien ninjas. Thus- the first Thanksgiving.
“What happened to the spaceship?” Well, that’s common knowledge. Both English and Native American agreed it was rubbish, so they loaded it onto a large wagon and hauled it as far away as they could. Making it almost half-way across the continent before the wagon broke down. Somewhere in southern Nevada.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via Focus, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
