‘Twas the night before Christmas, at the Farm o’ Saw. Not a creature was stirring, nope nothin’ at all. The stocking was hung on a doorknob with care, we have a chimney, but it works better there. The grand saw was nestled all snug in his bed, virtual reality dreams danced in his head.
And I in my ball cap (that was fitted just right), settled down on the sofa to play some Fortnite.
When up on the roof there arose such a clatter, I ran to the workshop to go grab a ladder. Across the front yard I went careful and slow — it’s dangerous to run with a ladder you know.
Up on the housetop the lighting was quite dim, but you just could make out the silhouette of Tim.
Tim Allen was up there and gave me a pause, as the character he played in The Santa Clause. Yes, in that money-grabbing holiday spoof, so without ado I pushed his ass off the roof.
“Why’d you do that?” asked a voice grim and scary. Twas Ron Howard’s The Grinch (as played by Jim Carrey). “I’m supposed to steal Christmas… cause it’s what I do!” I said — “Help yourself” and threw him off the roof too.
Then they came from every corner and nation. Christmas icons created for commercialization.
They crawled from under the porch and scaled up the wall. I’m getting older and can’t take on them all. Looking to the heavens I just might have prayed, when a familiar voice called- “Strange one… your blade!” (A moment of silence and bit of reverence, for those who get that Evil Dead reference.)
As I twisted around and thought that just maybe… was that Jimmy Stewart dressed up as George Bailey? From that holiday classic It’s a Wonderful Life, and beside him was Donna Reed — she played his wife. He tossed up my saw like a gift from the gods, saying, “There ya go Saw that’ll even the odds.”
All around Jimmy, scattered out on the lawn, an encore audience of holiday icon. From holiday movies not out for just money. Some sweet, some scary and some that were funny. John McLane was there along with a Gremlin, and Burton’s Batman Returns cat bat and penguin. There was Ralphie with his big Red Ryder plans, and Johnny Depp in black with scissors for hands. Many weren’t even made with Xmas intention, and that’s why they got an honorable mention. An impressive ensemble and I was in awe, forgetting that Stewart had thrown a chainsaw.
Jumping Jesus with Mother Mary in a sidecar, Jimmy are you nuts? You can’t sling chainsaws at people! Luckily it landed in the gutter… Lil’ Red’s gonna be p****d if you wonked ’em up… Gutters are expensive, and we just put these on … what? Oh yeah, the rhyming … ahem… after retrieving my chainsaw from the gutter (which was mercifully unharmed) …
I said not a word but went straight to my work. Slipped hand into saw and gave the pull cord a jerk. Then revving her up at my holiday foes, Jim gave me a curt nod and hell quickly rose. Hacking and slashing through all the yuletide trash, and those who were simply out for the cash. Quick warnings came from the Peanuts gallery for any who slipped in and snuck up on me.
This commercialized slaughter carried on til dawn, my throat raw from constantly yelling, “Bring it on!” When it was over, I stood alone and aloof, bits of digitized celluloid swirled round the roof. Then with somewhat of an exhausted swagger, came off of the house top via the ladder.
The lawn was now vacant I saw with relieve, so I went on inside to get some Aleve.
Christmas is now just a few hours away, or publication pending maybe a day. The date doesn’t matter and just so we’re clear — a good movie is good any time of year. So watch what you like and what makes you happy, whether a classic or something quite crappy. Whenever you want, whatever the reason, just try not to sell out this holiday season. (If you didn’t get the film references that’s groovy, maybe you’re just watching the wrong kind of movie?)
Merry Xmas to all and that’s all folks!
I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected].
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
