chainsaw_headerAll right, before we go diving head-first into the deep end of a shallow pool, a quick note to you the reader: This week we will seek out random humor in the events of every day while looking for new ways to laugh at ourselves…no…no… that’s not the right way to go about it. This needs to be more serious.

DROWNING, the quiet, silent killer!!! 350 children under the age of five drown to death in pools each year nationwide. The largest majority during the summer months and mostly in their own backyards. In addition, 2,600 children are treated in hospital emergency rooms each year for near-drowning incidents. Some of these submersion accidents result in permanent brain damage.

OK, those are fascinating stats anyone can find on the internet. HOORAY for lack of originality. Fine, here’s something original for you: Parents! Put down your f***ing cell phone, you don’t need to “step back inside for just a minute.” If you need to potty, then everybody out of the pool! Do not leave your child unattended for any reason, do not assume they’ll be fine, do not live with the fact that your ignorance murdered your child! Yes! If you are an inattentive parent and your negligence leads to a child’s untimely demise, you are a murderer… Get over yourselves and how important you’re not and play with that little person who thinks you are the world and…untimely demise OMG this is too much and hmmm…OK.
There is only one way to save these helpless, innocent children and that is to eliminate the source of ignorance that threatens their very existence. I’m not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world. But perhaps we should consider removing all the warning labels and letting nature take its course… I’m sorry we’re just gonna stop this because I have no idea where it came from or where it’s going. To be honest, much like sex with an antique eggbeater and a box of vanilla cake-mix I’m just…


Writing is such a great way to emote. Normally this precious time set aside for tranquil, open-minded creativity is the highlight of my week. Oh, to let the ideas and imagery flow from my cerebral cortex, taking form in written word. Not so much so this week, not today, not right now.

Why? Well it started two months ago when my cessation attempt meet a tragic end at the burdened hands of daily stress. I have been working my way back onto that wagon ever since. Slowly cutting back on my nicotine consumption daily and keeping my allotted puffs down to a consistent and steadily dwindling schedule. The plan was to wrap it up just before the 4th of July vacation, so I’d have a week’s vacation time to recover and get through the withdrawal. All was going well…until a change in a work related insurance policy required saliva testing and higher rates for smokers! So a few days ago I was faced with a difficult choice—either continue with my thus far successful cessation plan, suck it up and pay the rate hike or… quit… right now! Guess which way I decided to go?

Everything is a cigarette! Not like literal hallucinations, but each moment is defined by an intake of nicotine that I’m not taking in! This wasn’t like my last attempt, which was more of an actual “attempt” as opposed to a “do it or else.” This was sudden and brutal and probably if I hadn’t gotten a new monitor for Father’s Day it’d be all right.

Yeah, new, bigger, better and equipped with the ability to somehow crash out, alienate and then eliminate Microsoft Word 2010 from my system…that’s a lie; just looking for something to aim my irritable blame-thrower at. The spouse and kid are easy targets which is exactly why you have to try and always keep them out of the crosshairs when you’re in a bad mood…which I am. Stupid other work, stupid computer problems, stupid…stupid, stupid cigarettes…stupid nicotine…which “I DO NOT WANT OR NEED!” Except maybe just one little puff…NO!!!! That’s how you end up back at square one!!! Still everything’s a cigarette.

To come to grips with drug dependency is quite depressing. In a way you want to fight and at the same time just give in. Everything is nicotine! You get up, after breakfast, drive to work, break, lunch, break, drive home, yard work, relax ahhh relax… each moment and point of the day isn’t defined by a cigarette but it is definitely punctuated with one! Looks like the only way out of this is to rewrite my entire life and leave the smoke filled chapters out. Good thing I’m a writer otherwise this’d be hard…that was my sincerest form of sarcasm.

My deepest of apologies fair reader, this week’s column was supposed to be about drowning. So in a sense it seems to have been successful.

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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!