Twas the day after Christmas, I’d gone walkabout. Lit up a cigarette and then snubbed it right out. Quote the Raven- “Nevermore!”- Clement Clarke Moore, Edgar Allen Poe & Chainsaw.
Greetings dear reader! And the sincerest of salutations here between the old and the new year. If you’re reading this on its date of publication (twelve/ twenty-six/ twenty twenty-four- the day after x-mas as we said before) then Happy Boxing Day. It’s that time of year when we gather round the ring with friends and loved ones, don boxing gloves and pummel the shite out of each other.
Or are we supposed to put stuff in boxes (boxing it up) and throw them at people? Do we get in the boxes? Build cardboard forts? Do not know, do not care, does not matter.
Anywho… Hope you and yours had yourselves a Merry little Christmas. Hell, who knows, maybe you’re still Merry little Christmasing your arse off. So, did you give everything you wanted to give and get everything you wanted to get?
I did and did not.
Assuredly my level best was present with the presents. Ensuring that those gathered round the Tree o’Saw received their hearts desire… a good proximation of it… or at least something really nice. No qualms about my loot either.
It was the premature gift, received the week prior, that kinda sucked. The one that came via personal email. Subject-lined with two words. Which by themselves they seem harmless enough, but when put together can strike fear into the bravest of hearts- “Lab Results”.
As we grow older (it sucks) and draw closer to those fabled years of gold, our liability becomes more liable. Especially to our medical insurance carriers. Ergo, to maintain coverage, they begin requiring procedures, tests, scans and labs. To (let’s be honest) see how much longer and how much it will cost to keep us around.
Earlier this year I was subjected to the nightmare known as a colonoscopy. The process of losing one’s anal virginity isn’t so bad because you’re unconscious. It’s the prep that’s a livid living hell. As you must drink the vilest concoction known to man- twice. In order to poop oneself empty- to allow for a clear view for the doctor.
Diagnosis- as you all know I was full of s***.
The prep didn’t work so… OMG we do it again? Different prep and didn’t eat solids for a week. 2nd diagnosis- some little non-cancerous doohickies that they scraped away and a clean bill of butt health- whew. What’s next?
What came next came in mid-December, it’s beginning to look a lot like… a cancer screening of the lungs via CT scan. As a 30+ year smoker I was a little nervous. Okay total lie- I was scared s***less… so they should have done this before the colonoscopy.
I went in nervous and prepared to be naked. Was kinda disappointed that I had to keep my clothes on. Laid back on the trolley thingie and now know what a piece of paper feels like in a scanner… breath in… hold it… now breath. Back and forth several times and done.
Now forget what you’ve seen on television. They do not take you to another room. They do not have a big wall-mounted light-table to hang your lung x-rays on. And at that point the doctor does not come in to discuss your condition and options. No, they send you home and expect you to wait patiently till they e-mail you the results… tomorrow. Which go like this…
IMPRESSION: 6 mm noncalcified pulmonary nodule within the right middle lobe. Patient is classified as a lung-RADS category 2. Recommend follow-up LDCT in 12 months.
Impression? Not a diagnosis, just how you feel about my lungs? Geez-us, then the rest had to be looked up. Because gawd forbid you “impress” me in layman’s terms like- you are or are not going to die of cancer!
Two days post scan and finally face-to-face medical professional translation. A ¼ spot in the middle of the right lung. Not cancerous. No major cause for concern. But smoke and nicotine can exacerbate it into cancer. So, it would behoove you to quit smoking… have a Merry Christmas. Well at least it’s nice to know what my New Years Resolution will be.
I welcome almost all questions, via Focus, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
