chainsaw_headerTitle defined: Take the word “horrible” switch the “ible” with an “able” and it becomes something able to be horrible… or something like that…you get the idea.

Mid-day, clear blue skies and bright summer sun beckon to behold a beautiful day. And then, just as the enjoyment begins, the heat settles in. Inhuman humidity brought on by those sporadic summer storms oppresses and smothers. Not to mention the air quality which is null and void (thanks, Canada).

Sweat soaked, gasping breath, why’d you even step outside in the first place, and quickly remedy that error in the second. Ahh, back inside, crank the A/C and… breathe just breathe. But now what to pass the time till the promised cooler evening hours? How ‘bout a movie?

We allow the younger generation to choose the genre. Slasher/horror… they grow up so fast. Guilt over lack of guidance? Nah, he’s seen the original and 2 of the sequels at another venue, so no harm, no foul. And minimal guilt if he becomes a serial killer in the future.

As the film began, old habits kicked in. Spawned from years spent as the guru of horror movie reviews. With a tag like “Chainsaw” romantic/comedy wasn’t my thing. Thus, my cynical critiquing of stupid teenage victims (played by 30 somethings) is verbalized throughout the film’s entirety.

Let’s be honest, we’ve all done it. “Don’t open that door!” “Grab the axe… it’s right over there you idiot!” “Run fool, run!” You know what I mean. But to be equally honest, despite horror films’ undeniable idiocy, that’s all part of the fun in watching, wincing and wondering.

Why in gawd’s name, if you think the killer is behind the door, would you open said door? Barricade them out, and how do you forget the other doors and windows in the room you’re in? Or if the killer “might be” in the closet, barricade them in. Do not go looking for them and if you think you’ve trapped them do not run away! They always run away.

When being pursued, what exactly do people manage to trip over the moment they get out their own front door? Do they not know their front yard, or did they dig random holes to surprise themselves with later? What are the actual chances of spraining your ankle this way? Why run? Why not hide and watch. They always run.

Then, if they manage to dodge those holes and make it to the street, why run down the middle of it? Knowing the bad guy has a big evil-looking truck thingie to chase them with, duh how do you think they got there? Why not wait on the sidewalk behind a tree. When they stop and start to get out to kill you — run… towards the thingie. That’s right, when they start to get out, run over and kick the door and squish their head. You’ve got to fight back sooner or later. No, they just keep running away.

But you need to fight back… with something. Ever notice that in horror films with knife wielding loonies, no one owns a firearm? They’ve made it to the 4th franchise installment and never thought of spending a little time at a shooting range. So, if there is a gun, no one knows how to use it so… run away?

Even with a shortage of NRA approved weaponry available, guns aren’t the only weapon available. But why is the go-to always the biggest knife from the knife block in the kitchen? Did they take stab classes at the Y? Where are all the cleaning implements? Broom, mop or hell even a vacuum can be used as a bat. A bat? Now there’s a novel idea. But apparently no one in horror films plays sports…except maybe track.

If the victims do get the upper hand, they botch it. The killer’s down. The vacuum-bat worked splendidly and now… damnit don’t… run away! Arrrrggghhh! Hit them again and again, and you ­— stupid friends watching — call the cops whilst the beating continues. Do not separate, do not send someone to safety, do not run away, do not pass go, do not collect $200. OMG this s*** is making me… huh… movies over. Well, that was fun… wanna do an action/comedy next?

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected].

Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.