A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one”.
Contrary to popular belief and oft speculated opinion, I am far from egotistical. In all honesty, it is a guaranteed certainty that I think far less of myself and self-worth than you or anyone else ever could. However, when it comes to my works on this side of the keyboard, a bit of genuine pride is taken in construction and presentation… unless I’m having a suck week.
Ergo, far be it from me to present or address myself to others as a writer, let alone a long-running newspaper columnist. Unless, of course, I’m presented or addressed in that manner by someone else. Or if in initial conversing that subjects of hobbies and side hustles comes into question.
Then, once mine literary status is established, the common query is- “What do you write?” Words- is my standard response. Followed by my asking if they’ve ever seen or read this delightful weekly publication. Ensuing into a brief abridged history- been writing a weekly column- Have Chainsaw Will Travel- for it for 20+ years.
This may be found impressive to some degree but still they persist- “What do you write?” “Words” fail me the second time round because… I don’t really write about anything and yet I’ve written about everything. The problem in explanation is that folks are looking for a familiar type of newspaper column, one which focuses on a particular subject matter. This ain’t that!
It got me to thinking what it would be like if it were. What if HCSWT fell into the category of an expected standard newspaper format? Could I do that? Only one way to find out…
Editorial: I am a freelance writer, not an editor. So we’ll leave that in the capable hands of the lovely Lady Panther. Current Events: This is a weekly paper. So how current could the events be if I wrote about them a week ago? Local News: Umm… I don’t get out much. Tending goats and disassembling an old house with bare-hands and a bathtub doesn’t seem exactly newsworthy… then again?
Sports: I think of sports like I think of porn- If I’m not playing, I’m not watching. Take it on from here Sid. Weather: Yes, there will be lots of weather happening all week. Will it be good? Will it be bad? See- Current Events. Business: I find it best if you mind your own.
Politics: So, the president we elected is doing everything we elected him for. Now everybody’s upset about it. Be careful what you vote for, you might just get it.
Historical Interest: Until a modified DeLorean becomes available. For fact checking and return trips back to the future. We’ll rely on our residential historian Richard Eller.
Entertainment: How are we doing so far? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? -yes that was gladiator style yelling you heard… in your head.
Movie reviews: Been there, done with that. Got tired of it after the first 3,000 films. That torch has been thrown to Adam Long and he’s doing dandy.
Lifestyle Section- Travel: As aforementioned- I don’t get out much. I just walked outside to smoke… that’s about it. Food: I ate some earlier. Fashion: Flannel is always in fashion… I have no other clothing.
Gossip: is passed by the hateful, spread by fools, and believed by idiots. Advice: Don’t believe everything you hear or see until you can touch, smell and taste it yourself. Most of our world is an optional illusion.
Humor: What do you think we’re doing here? See gladiator reference. Classifieds: Sorry you don’t have proper clearance… it’s classified. Obituaries: Nope, too depressing. I find it best to stay out of the obituary column as long as possible. Horoscopes: For all astronomical signs- there will be a written conclusion of words in your immediate future. Your lucky numbers are- 8, 67, 5, 3, O, 9. For a good time… call?
To the casual observer it becomes obvious this writer was not destined to convey a standard column. But for those regular readers, you know we’ve tasted and touched on all these things and more. So- “What do you write?” Anything and everything in no particular order. Because that’s the way life comes at you… so it is written.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via Focus, or E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
